I had plans this weekend, things to do.
God had other plans for me.
It actually started Thursday night. I was having the missionaries over for dinner that night. I made chicken spaghetti (a really amazing food that if you are ever in my area I would be happy to make for you :D). I was looking at my daughters head and she had a little bug crawling across it. I took it off and killed it and didn't think anything of it since she plays outside all the time, and she had fallen earlier that day. Dinner went well, the Elders had to leave shortly after dinner because they had an appointment, but the sisters said they could stay for a little bit. As we were talking Sister Martinez asked me what was bothering me. As I told her my struggles with being a single mom all the stresses of my life started coming out of my mouth. A floodgate had been opened and I couldn't shut it off. I poured out my soul to these very dear women. They canceled their next appointment and I told them they shouldn't because their appointment was with someone who wasn't a member of the church. They told me in no uncertain terms that I needed them more at that moment. While they were all still there I got texts from two girlfriends. One needed to stay the night on my couch and the other needed to confess that she was making out with a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. To the first friend I said come over and to the second I counseled as best as I could.
When my friend got to my house there was so much drama, her ex was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do and she was stressing because he had made their life really hard and now she has to move. As she was in my room putting our girls to bed I started to feel a twinge of regret. I had my own issues that I was dealing with and this kind of drama wasn't what I wanted. Of course that sweet still voice whispered, but where else would she go? and I knew as difficult as it would be I had to be there for her. The Sisters eventually left and the girls fell asleep and my friend and I talked. Having just had the chance to empty my burdened soul I was able to listen to her problems without feeling too overwhelmed. I went to bed later than I wanted to, but I felt good about helping a friend in need. The next morning we quietly woke up her girls and got them ready to go. They had to leave super early so my friend could get to work. Later I woke up my daughter, who threw a fit that her friends weren't there anymore and that she hadn't been able to say goodbye. One meltdown led to another meltdown, ending with her saying that I don't love her. It was too much. I walked out the door and into the kitchen and sat at the table crying and praying for the next ten minutes. I told the Lord that I couldn't do anymore, I had reached my end. My daughter came out of the bedroom and was a little distraught to see me crying. I took her to school and went to work. While I was at work I got the feeling that I should look up lice and see what they look like. What do you know, the bug walking across my daughters head hadn't been a random bug, but a louse. Maybe, I hoped, maybe some other kid at school has it and it was just one bug. I went to pick her up and she was scratching her head so I started looking really closely at her hair. Sure enough, she had a bunch. So I had to text her friends mom, they were going to have a sleep over and I was going to have a free weekend. The mom texted me back asking if she had ever had lice before. I said no. I went to target and spent the last of the money I had on treatment and a little food. I sat in the car outside of Target almost ready to cry, praying in my heart that I really was at the end of my rope. I had faithfully paid my tithing but now I had no money to get shampoo for me or put gas in my car and I still needed to go to Rohnert Park three times before my next payday. Wednesday has never seemed so far away. As I was contemplating how I would make it through my friend texted me and asked me to call her house. Her husband answered and started talking to me about treatment and such. I said that I had already purchased a kit and was actually sitting in the Target parking lot. He told me that I should probably do my hair too. I responded that I knew that but I had no money to get it. He asked me if I needed money and I started to cry, not 5 minutes early I had been praying to be able to get through the weekend and be able to do all the things I needed to do. I humbly and gratefully said yes and went to their house. he gave me an envelope and asked me if it was enough. I said yes to which he commented that I hadn't even looked in the envelope. I replied that over the phone we had agreed to 40, he wrote in the dust on the door that he had given me 60. I went home thinking that I would have to do some laundry but not all of it because I had just done laundry. I was deflated when I got home and realized that as I was folding the laundry, I had set it on my bed, near my pillows. I would have to do it all over again.
As I was treating my daughters hair my sister called me and asked me what I was doing. I told her and she said oh too bad I wanted to do something. I asked her if she wanted to come do laundry with me. She said no, that she still needed to eat. I said me too and just like that my sister was taking me to Applebee's for dinner. I told her my whole sad story and she offered to help with picking up Brandon for church. I went home and was up until 3 in the morning doing laundry and I still had some to do but I was exhausted and needed to go to bed.
I got woken up at 9:30 by the sisters texting me. Good timing since I had to get stuff ready for them to come over at 11. I went to Rohnert Park and picked up Brandon and brought him back to my house. The Elders and the Sisters showed up and started working on my yard while I finished up laundry and made lunch. Sister Martinez sat with Sofia and patiently combed through all of her hair. Sofia is very sensitive and cries easily so it was not an easy task. Elder Manciati mowed the lawn, for the first time in his life, so to kept herself distracted Sofia made up stories with Elder Manciati as the hero with a lawn mower. He chopped off an evil witch's head freeing people who had been enslaved for 18 years. It was a very familial type scene, looking out the window at my children and people I love and for some reason I was filled with a sense of hopelessness and despair. At that moment Sister Martinez caught a tangle in Sofia's hair and she started howling. Both sisters were trying to calm her down but to no avail. I heard Elder Manciati tell her "Look Sofia, I got you a lady bug." It was a small thing, but it got her to stop crying and almost made me start. He came in and talked to me for a little bit. I don't remember what we talked about, it wasn't super important, but it gave me the distraction I needed to get passed the low feelings I was having. We sat on the floor eating homemade teriyaki burgers and talking. The sisters finished lunch first and washed my dishes. That evening Brandon went with the Elders and I went with the sisters to do lessons. It was a wonderful experience.
Sunday was pretty non-eventful. The sisters came over and helped me clean and combed Sofia's hair again.
Monday was a day. I was supposed to go to the Keelers for FHE. Work was hectic, there is a lot going on there. I am feeling stressed out with that too. The Elders texted me and asked if I could go with them to do a lesson. I wanted to wash Sofia's hair again so I canceled with the Keelers and agreed to meet the Elders at the Hernandez family house. We were supposed to meet at 6 and we got there at 5:50. Sofia and I sat in the car eating Taco Bell when a neighbor came out to smoke a cigarette. He walked over and asked me if I had a spare. I asked him what he meant. He pointed out that my front tire was flat. The Elders came out and helped fixed my tire. My spare was flat too, but Brother Hernandez had an air compressor. My dad happened to be driving by and he stopped to help out. He pointed out that my other front tire would need to be replaced as well. Add to my stress, money is tight anyhow without adding $200 for new tires. The Elders went on to their appointment and the sisters followed me to my house. They helped me finish up cleaning and combed Sofia's hair again. Sister Martinez then combed through my hair. Sofia got into bed and Sister Martinez sang her a lullaby. As we were in my room, Sister Hernandez called me to see if I knew where the sisters were. I said they were still at my house and she said that they had forgotten their phone at her house. The sisters asked me if I could text the Elders and ask them to pick up the phone. Sister Martinez found some bugs in my hair and I started to cry a little. The Elders called me to ask how I knew that the Sisters phone was at the Hernandez house. I explained that they were still at my house and that the Hernandez's had called me. They said they were leaving an appointment and I said the Sisters were almost done and so they should be able to go get their phone. Just then Sister Martinez said, do you want them to give you a blessing? I hadn't thought of it, and realizing that I was in such a state that people realized that I needed a blessing caused me to lose it completely. I couldn't even talk anymore, I was crying too hard. Sister Leyton took my phone and asked the Elders to pick up the phone and that I needed a blessing. We went outside to wait for them. They pulled up and so did my dad. I asked what he was there for, and he said that the Elders had stopped by and said I needed a blessing. Again I was touched by their thoughtfulness. Elder Manciati gave me the blessing and Sister Martinez wrote it down. Some of the things that were said were very touching to me. One of the most poignant things was the fact that I always misquote 1 Nephi 21:16 It says Behold, I have graven thee upon the apalms of my hands; but I always say engraven. In fact I just recently did a blog titled that. When Elder Manciati said the blessing he said "The Lord has not forgotten you, you are engraven in the palms of his hands and in his feet." The reason it touched me so much is that I know Elder Manciati knows the scripture, Sister Martinez wrote it correctly and even put the reference in the notes she was taking. I know the Lord knows the scripture, He said it originally. But He knew that what I needed at that time was to have a sign that He really is aware of me. It was a little thing, to just stick an "en" in front of a word, but it was enough to let me know that He knows me. Elder Manciati also reminded me that "there are many people around me that love me and care deeply for me." After the blessing I felt much calmer and loved.
I had to spend $200 to get my tires replaced and again felt the pinch of being a single mom. I was thinking about the fact that I wouldn't have any money until the next payday. Again the Lord showed me that He is aware of me. On payday I saw that I had enough money to pay all my bills and still buy groceries, it would be tight but we would make it.
I felt very strongly like the Lord was telling me "I can't take your trial away from you, but I can give you the things you need to get through it."
Now there is a saying, "Not all who wander are lost". I thought of a different thing to say, "Not all who need rescuing are lost" The Good Shepard hastens to the rescue of all. Sometimes that rescue is searching for a lost lamb, but sometimes it is protecting the sheep from a wolf. And in my case, it was rescuing a lamb from a hidden hole in the field. He sent people to show me that I am not alone, that I don't need to try to do everything on my own. Angels sometimes come in the form of dear friends. Friends willing to comb through hair looking for nasty bug, friends willing to comfort and cheer, friends that will do anything for the ones they love. This past week and a half the Lord has shown me that I have true friends.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Engraven in the palms of His hands
Easter is coming up again. I love this time of year, not just because of the candy :) The earth starts to revive from it's cold hibernation, flowers start to bloom, baby animals start showing up. Life renews.
It is also the greatest day in the Christian world. Sure Christmas is great, but without the atonement crucifixion and resurrection, it would only be a day that a great teacher was born. Easter gives Christmas it's true value.
I want to share a very personal story and tie it into Easter.
When I was in my very early 20's I quit my job to study full time. I also got involved with a guy. I ended up jobless, single and pregnant. I had to quit school because I couldn't keep up. I was stressed out about what I was going to do. I ended up working with LDS Family Services and getting a counselor. They talked to me, never pressuring me to decide, about keeping the baby or placing the baby for adoption. For most of the pregnancy I thought I would keep the baby. I was still looking at adoptive parents but no one stood out to me. Finally a week before my due date I found the couple that seemed like the right couple. I met with them and left the meeting filled with the Spirit of God, knowing that these were the people that would raise my precious daughter. Two weeks later the stubborn little angel had still not made her appearance. I eventually went into the hospital to be induced. 20 hours later things were not going the way they should. Alarms kept going off and I felt terrible, I know labor is not fun in and of itself but I was hit by waves of intense nausea. My doctor came in, a little nervous and explained that I was only dilated to a 2 (need to be 10) and that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an emergency c-section. My brother and my dad gave me a blessing that all would be well and I went into the room. As they preformed the operation, they were able to see the problem. Somehow, she had gotten all tangled up in the cord. Wrapped tightly, she was being squeezed with every contraction, no wonder she was in distress. She had to be placed in the infant ICU in an oxygen helmet.
My incision got infected and both of us ended up being in the hospital for a week. I spent as much time with her as I could and there were times when I thought to myself "I can do this". But in the quiet of the night, when my family was gone and the nurses were not checking on me every couple of hours I realized that I if it was hard but do-able with professional people helping me round the clock, it would be even harder doing it on my own. I finally decided that yes, the family I met from LA would be the perfect people and a week later she was in their arms. She looks like her mom, and actually has hereditary traits from that family.
Now as to what this has to do with Easter - Several months after she was born I was missing her and wondering what she would look like when she was grown, wondering if she would appreciate the sacrifice I made for her to have a good life. I had a dream that I was at a conference where my favorite church leader was speaking and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I felt like God had forgotten me and that I wasn't important to anyone. He asked me if I loved Reagan and I said of course. He then asked me if I could forget about her. I said I couldn't, I had the scars of her birth engraven on my body, and the emotional scars of giving her to God on my soul. He smiled at me and said, the Savior has engraven your name in His palms, He will never forget you or abandon you. I woke up feeling warmth and love, but to make sure I got the point the morning I woke up from that dream I ran into that very leader (who is from Utah) at church (in Santa Rosa, CA) and he put his hand on my arm, looked into my eyes and said "Thank you for coming today, I am glad you are here."
Giving up my child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, there were times I asked God to let me keep her. I did it out of love, knowing that it gave her the things she needed to live an abundant life.
Our Savior did the hardest thing anyone has done, ever! He paid the price for sins, he took on our pains and sorrows. Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
He understand perfectly my pain, both physical and emotional.
He plead with His Father to not drink that bitter cup, but in the end He fulfilled his Father's will.
He did what He did out of love for us, that we might live life more abundantly.
My experience helps me understand the importance of the Atonement and helps me appreciate all that my Savior did for me. I know that He suffered greatly for me because He loves me.
I am grateful to know that I am purchased at infinite cost, and that my name is engraven in the palms of His hands.
It is also the greatest day in the Christian world. Sure Christmas is great, but without the atonement crucifixion and resurrection, it would only be a day that a great teacher was born. Easter gives Christmas it's true value.
I want to share a very personal story and tie it into Easter.
When I was in my very early 20's I quit my job to study full time. I also got involved with a guy. I ended up jobless, single and pregnant. I had to quit school because I couldn't keep up. I was stressed out about what I was going to do. I ended up working with LDS Family Services and getting a counselor. They talked to me, never pressuring me to decide, about keeping the baby or placing the baby for adoption. For most of the pregnancy I thought I would keep the baby. I was still looking at adoptive parents but no one stood out to me. Finally a week before my due date I found the couple that seemed like the right couple. I met with them and left the meeting filled with the Spirit of God, knowing that these were the people that would raise my precious daughter. Two weeks later the stubborn little angel had still not made her appearance. I eventually went into the hospital to be induced. 20 hours later things were not going the way they should. Alarms kept going off and I felt terrible, I know labor is not fun in and of itself but I was hit by waves of intense nausea. My doctor came in, a little nervous and explained that I was only dilated to a 2 (need to be 10) and that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an emergency c-section. My brother and my dad gave me a blessing that all would be well and I went into the room. As they preformed the operation, they were able to see the problem. Somehow, she had gotten all tangled up in the cord. Wrapped tightly, she was being squeezed with every contraction, no wonder she was in distress. She had to be placed in the infant ICU in an oxygen helmet.
My incision got infected and both of us ended up being in the hospital for a week. I spent as much time with her as I could and there were times when I thought to myself "I can do this". But in the quiet of the night, when my family was gone and the nurses were not checking on me every couple of hours I realized that I if it was hard but do-able with professional people helping me round the clock, it would be even harder doing it on my own. I finally decided that yes, the family I met from LA would be the perfect people and a week later she was in their arms. She looks like her mom, and actually has hereditary traits from that family.
Now as to what this has to do with Easter - Several months after she was born I was missing her and wondering what she would look like when she was grown, wondering if she would appreciate the sacrifice I made for her to have a good life. I had a dream that I was at a conference where my favorite church leader was speaking and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I felt like God had forgotten me and that I wasn't important to anyone. He asked me if I loved Reagan and I said of course. He then asked me if I could forget about her. I said I couldn't, I had the scars of her birth engraven on my body, and the emotional scars of giving her to God on my soul. He smiled at me and said, the Savior has engraven your name in His palms, He will never forget you or abandon you. I woke up feeling warmth and love, but to make sure I got the point the morning I woke up from that dream I ran into that very leader (who is from Utah) at church (in Santa Rosa, CA) and he put his hand on my arm, looked into my eyes and said "Thank you for coming today, I am glad you are here."
Giving up my child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, there were times I asked God to let me keep her. I did it out of love, knowing that it gave her the things she needed to live an abundant life.
Our Savior did the hardest thing anyone has done, ever! He paid the price for sins, he took on our pains and sorrows. Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
He understand perfectly my pain, both physical and emotional.
He plead with His Father to not drink that bitter cup, but in the end He fulfilled his Father's will.
He did what He did out of love for us, that we might live life more abundantly.
My experience helps me understand the importance of the Atonement and helps me appreciate all that my Savior did for me. I know that He suffered greatly for me because He loves me.
I am grateful to know that I am purchased at infinite cost, and that my name is engraven in the palms of His hands.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Why I love being a woman in the LDS church
So I was reading a blog by a woman who is proud of her feminist stance and very critical of the view the church has on women. I felt sorry for her and her bitter attitude. I also felt the need to say that I love being a woman in the church.
We just had an amazing church wide General Conference in which many talks were about the family, parenting and womanhood. I was especially touched by Richard G Scott's tribute to his wife. The entire time I felt the love of the Lord and what a wonderful thing it is to be a woman. In a world where women are disrespected and objectified it was really wonderful to be able to hear good things said about womanhood and femininity. I am a woman, not just female, my friends would go as far as to say that I am girly. Ever since I was a young girl I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. As I watched other peoples kids and felt the love and joy involved in that I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. Feminists would tell me that we are now in the 21st century and that I don't have to be tied down to that old fashioned view of women. I can be whatever I want to be. However when I try to assert my honest desire to be a wife and mother they tell me that I am throwing women back into the dark ages. They say I can be whatever I want, just not a wife and mother.
The bible is full of stories of great women who chose to be mothers, they did other amazing things too.
Eve - The mother of all living, the first to realize that as beautiful as the garden was there would be no personal or spiritual growth. Made from the side of man, to be his equal partner, to be equally yoked and to work together.
Noah's wife - Now we don't know her name, but she had to put up with her husband building this huge boat in her front yard and all the animals. She must have been faithful, righteous and amazing. I mean the Lord doesn't pick just anyone to be the second mother of the earth.
Sarah - Abraham's wife, changing diapers at 90 years old isn't a lot of fun, not to mention the pregnancy that preceded those diapers.
Jael - MOST AWESOME WOMAN EVER!!!! Seriously, she led the leader of the enemy army into her tent and then killed him with the tent stake. Can you say girl power?
Hannah - mother of the boy prophet Samuel, she waited for years to have a child and then turned around and gave him right back to God. That is truly paying tithes of the first fruits.
Mary - mother of Jesus, do I really need to say more.
The woman at the well and the woman who bathed the Saviors feet with her tears were pretty awesome too!
The book of mormon has equally valiant women
Sariah, Abish, the women of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, the wife of King Lamoni. Nephi's wife stands out to me a lot, she stood by her husband and stood up to her brothers and brother-in-laws when they were being wicked. She gave birth to kids in a desert caravan!
What great examples I have to look to! Now today's society would tell you that women are equal to men and should be treated the same. Now I partly agree. Women are equal, and should be treated with the same respect. But we are NOT the same!
Now really, when you are doing a project with a group of people, the best way to maximize the talents and time of the people involved is to have different people doing different things. To ease confusion these type of groups will usually choose a project leader. It would be a waste of time to have all the people doing the exact same thing, so why does society take something that is done on a daily basis in the work place and say that it is inappropriate for the home life.
I am smaller than most of the men I know, and not as physically strong. I know there are some women who are physically strong and that's good for them, but if I have to go into a scary situation, I would rather have a tall man at my side. When I am having a crappy day, I want my girlfriends and chocolate. Each gender is good for different reasons. I am glad that we are not all the same, how boring would that be?
I love being in a church that celebrates womanhood and femininity. I mean seriously, those of you that know me, I have child bearing hips. lol What else am I supposed to do with them? Well salsa dance yeah, but it is not a shameful thing to want to be a mom. When I get married I want to stay home and raise my family. That may be old fashioned, but I don't see any evidence that the new fashioned way of doing things has made life better. Broken families, abortion and crime run rampant in the new fashioned world.
Give me a good man at my side, not ahead of me and not behind, but beside me and I will take that over any corporate CEO position any day.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints values and cherishes women. The leaders showed their love this past weekend. It is a safe place to be a mom and a wife. They also spoke to single moms (like me) and reminded us that we are just as important to God. That the lack of a husband does not make us less of women. Hearing those words from a prophet of the Lord reaffirmed my faith, in God, in men and in mankind. I am a woman, and proud to be one. I am a mom and will one day be a wife, and I am not ashamed of that!!
We just had an amazing church wide General Conference in which many talks were about the family, parenting and womanhood. I was especially touched by Richard G Scott's tribute to his wife. The entire time I felt the love of the Lord and what a wonderful thing it is to be a woman. In a world where women are disrespected and objectified it was really wonderful to be able to hear good things said about womanhood and femininity. I am a woman, not just female, my friends would go as far as to say that I am girly. Ever since I was a young girl I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. As I watched other peoples kids and felt the love and joy involved in that I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. Feminists would tell me that we are now in the 21st century and that I don't have to be tied down to that old fashioned view of women. I can be whatever I want to be. However when I try to assert my honest desire to be a wife and mother they tell me that I am throwing women back into the dark ages. They say I can be whatever I want, just not a wife and mother.
The bible is full of stories of great women who chose to be mothers, they did other amazing things too.
Eve - The mother of all living, the first to realize that as beautiful as the garden was there would be no personal or spiritual growth. Made from the side of man, to be his equal partner, to be equally yoked and to work together.
Noah's wife - Now we don't know her name, but she had to put up with her husband building this huge boat in her front yard and all the animals. She must have been faithful, righteous and amazing. I mean the Lord doesn't pick just anyone to be the second mother of the earth.
Sarah - Abraham's wife, changing diapers at 90 years old isn't a lot of fun, not to mention the pregnancy that preceded those diapers.
Jael - MOST AWESOME WOMAN EVER!!!! Seriously, she led the leader of the enemy army into her tent and then killed him with the tent stake. Can you say girl power?
Hannah - mother of the boy prophet Samuel, she waited for years to have a child and then turned around and gave him right back to God. That is truly paying tithes of the first fruits.
Mary - mother of Jesus, do I really need to say more.
The woman at the well and the woman who bathed the Saviors feet with her tears were pretty awesome too!
The book of mormon has equally valiant women
Sariah, Abish, the women of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, the wife of King Lamoni. Nephi's wife stands out to me a lot, she stood by her husband and stood up to her brothers and brother-in-laws when they were being wicked. She gave birth to kids in a desert caravan!
What great examples I have to look to! Now today's society would tell you that women are equal to men and should be treated the same. Now I partly agree. Women are equal, and should be treated with the same respect. But we are NOT the same!
Now really, when you are doing a project with a group of people, the best way to maximize the talents and time of the people involved is to have different people doing different things. To ease confusion these type of groups will usually choose a project leader. It would be a waste of time to have all the people doing the exact same thing, so why does society take something that is done on a daily basis in the work place and say that it is inappropriate for the home life.
I am smaller than most of the men I know, and not as physically strong. I know there are some women who are physically strong and that's good for them, but if I have to go into a scary situation, I would rather have a tall man at my side. When I am having a crappy day, I want my girlfriends and chocolate. Each gender is good for different reasons. I am glad that we are not all the same, how boring would that be?
I love being in a church that celebrates womanhood and femininity. I mean seriously, those of you that know me, I have child bearing hips. lol What else am I supposed to do with them? Well salsa dance yeah, but it is not a shameful thing to want to be a mom. When I get married I want to stay home and raise my family. That may be old fashioned, but I don't see any evidence that the new fashioned way of doing things has made life better. Broken families, abortion and crime run rampant in the new fashioned world.
Give me a good man at my side, not ahead of me and not behind, but beside me and I will take that over any corporate CEO position any day.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints values and cherishes women. The leaders showed their love this past weekend. It is a safe place to be a mom and a wife. They also spoke to single moms (like me) and reminded us that we are just as important to God. That the lack of a husband does not make us less of women. Hearing those words from a prophet of the Lord reaffirmed my faith, in God, in men and in mankind. I am a woman, and proud to be one. I am a mom and will one day be a wife, and I am not ashamed of that!!
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