This is a hard blog for me to write. It has been hard to find the right words to say. My name is Kiersten and I am an addict. I am going to meetings for it. It is not the type of addiction most people think of when they hear about someone going to a 12 step program. I suffer from two food related disorders. I suffer from anorexia nervosa and emotional eating. Anorexia is often misunderstood, just because I don't look like a starving waif doesn't mean that I don't have the problem. For me it started in high school. I got my curves early and was teased by the other kids. I was called fat and ugly. I have blocked most of my elementary years from my memory it was so distressing. When I reached high school age I was responsible for making my own lunch. I would often tell my mom that I had but I never did. I would spend the lunch break walking around the campus so that no one would notice that I wasn't eating. When we had parties in classes it was pure torture. I was certain that everyone was watching me and thinking, "what is she eating that for, she is so fat!" I would frequently say that I wasn't hungry, or that I had just eaten whenever someone offered me food. The sad thing was that I wasn't fat. I was average size, perfectly normal, but I could still hear those childhood taunts. Anorexia is something that unfortunately sticks with you. It screwed up my metabolism and when I started eating "normally" again, the weight came on easily. My body was so used to storing every calorie that it got that eating the proper amount of calories sent me into a tailspin of weight gain that I was incapable of stopping. I would gain weight and then I would feel depressed, my marriages failing didn't help either. I turned to food, chocolate became my best friend. I would eat unhealthy food and then feel even worse about myself. I would beat myself up, no wonder my husband didn't love me, how could he love a whale? I would promise myself that I would do better the next day, No eating until I had lost the weight. I would skip breakfast and lunch but then by the time dinner came I was so fatigued and light headed that I would eat the first thing I could find. Being abused and starved in Mexico didn't help, sure I lost weight but my body went even further into it's hoarding mode. When I got back to the States, I was overwhelmed by how much food there was. I over-compensated for the months of starvation. I gained weight and knew I was unhealthy. I yo-yo dieted, did extreme diets, every pill you can imagine for weight loss I tried. They were all short term fixes and the weight always came back, and so did the emotional eating. Knowing that your body mass index is way too high and that you are considered morbidly obese is a difficult thing to face. All the childhood taunts of being fat and ugly would ring in my ears. However, I finally found a way of eating that I could stick to and that was healthy. I don't call it a diet, I call it a lifestyle change. The way of thinking though that accompanies anorexia and emotional eating doesn't go away when you change your habits. That is where the addiction recovery program comes into play. To be completely healed from the disorders that I have, I had to change my way of thinking. It's not about being beautiful and lovable, it's about being healthy. It's not about always being in control, it's about letting a higher power help. This step is particularly hard for me, oddly enough since I am such a spiritual person and believe that God directs my life, I want to be in charge and have things go the way I want them to. Emotional eating comes into play when I try to have that tight a hold on my life. When things go wrong, I feel like I have done something wrong, that I am not worthy of the things I want, and then chocolate becomes my best friend. But when I accept that a person who knows better than I is in charge, when things don't go the way I want them to I can let it go and trust God.
The addiction meetings are amazing. To listen to other people talk about the way they rationalize their behavior, and realize that they are my own excuses was eye opening. It helped me feel not alone, it also helped me accept that I do have a problem and I can't fix it by myself. It also helped me feel more compassion towards my ex-husband. He did a lot of bad things but he was also an addict. To listen to the people in my group talk about the family members they had alienated, the family members they had lost, all because of their addictions, made me realize that at some point my ex will come to the same realization. There was a lot of pain in the confessions that were said. I was moved to tears many times. The Spirit was so strong there it was amazing. There was a lot of love in that room, we entered as strangers and yet we were able to bare our souls and talk about our darkest moments. One man talked about how safe it was at the meetings, how even in places where we should be safe we put on a face and don't tell, but there it was safe. It was so true. I have never felt as safe opening up as I did in that room, it truly was a holy place for all of us there. I confessed things I have never felt safe enough to tell anyone. I knew they would understand and not judge me. It was very liberating. I also felt the presence of those who have passed on from our realm. To realize that family members that have passed away were there supporting their loved ones was humbling. The first meeting I went to I felt a little awkward. They were on step 8 of the 12 step program. I didn't even know what steps 1-7 were. As I was feeling awkward and out of place the thought from Elder Uchtdorf's talk popped into my head, "lift where you stand". It didn't matter that I didn't know the first steps, I would learn them eventually. The important thing was to start, to "stand {where I was} and lift." One of the themes I heard from other people was that of trying to do it on their own. I am guilty of this a lot. I think that as a woman and as a single mom I should be strong enough to do this on my own. Ether has a different idea about this though. He tells us that the Lord gave us all specific weaknesses, weaknesses designed for us individually. Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I was wondering how I could make this weakness a strength, well, how the Lord could make it a strength. Going to these meetings has been humbling, and that is one of the key requirements in turning it into a strength. I think that the Lord gave me this particular weakness so that once I (through His help) got through it, I could help others. I have a loud voice and I have much compassion. I think the Lord uses those two strengths of mine to help His other children. This blog post is about turning my weakness into a strength. It is hard for me to admit my failings, my weaknesses. Satan is really good at making me feel like I should be strong all the time, that people that I love and admire will look down on me if I admit that I have a problem. I hope that admitting that I have this problem and am getting help for it will help others in a similar situation. It's ok to be weak, it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to make mistakes. The atonement of our Lord, Jesus Christ covers all of that. It covers our weaknesses, it covers our mistakes, it heals our wounds. Maybe having a food addiction isn't a great sin, but it does still cause a lot of hurt and shame. The atonement helps erase those feelings. The Saviour didn't just suffer for the wrong things we do, He suffered for every hurt, every illness we will ever face. His atonement can help me overcome this weakness. His atonement in effect in my life right now causes me to feel compassion for others, makes me want to help others, makes me not ashamed to write this blog and share it with others.
The people in the meetings also talked about the great amount of love that they felt in the meetings. Being able to talk about their problems with people that understand helped relieve a burden and helped them be able to feel the Lord's love for them. Life is hard and sad sometimes but there is also great happiness and love. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we all felt uplifted and loved. It has been an amazing journey. I am grateful that the Lord has not only shown me this weakness but provided a way to overcome and given a purpose for it.
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