Borrowed Light

The other night I was going with the missionaries to different houses to talk to people. I met them at the first house and the next houses were within walking distance. The last house, however was a little bit further away and so we drove. Since I didn't know where the house was I followed behind them. They were parked behind me, so they started their car and turned on the headlights. As they passed me I pulled out and followed them. We rounded one corner and were approaching another one when Elder Bittner started flashing his high beams. For a moment I was confused, then I realized that their headlights were rather bright, and once I had turned on my car and put my seat belt on I saw their light reflected in the car bumper in front of me and therefore my brain computed it as my car having it's lights on. In reality I had not even turned my headlights on. I was traveling in their light and as they looked to see if I was following them they noticed that I had not turned mine on. I later told them I was in stealth mode, but it got me thinking... How frequently do we travel along, relying on someone else's light instead trying to get a testimony for ourselves? How frequently do we go along with popular ideology instead of seeking the answers ourselves?
No some people might ask, what is wrong with just going along. Now the dangers inherent in that were very obvious to me that night. As the Elders turned the corner I was engulfed in darkness, it was brief as I had caught the meaning of the flashing lights. However if they hadn't looked behind them I wouldn't have had any warning of the impending darkness. I thought of the Disney movie Cars. Once Lightning was separated from Mac he was lost in the dark and ended up somewhere he didn't want to be. He ended up in the movies version of jail. When we don't actively seek out the path, or to put oil in our lamps, we are allowing something or someone else to decide where we end up. We accept things as being ok when they are in reality against an eternal law and bring darkness into our lives. They can even lead us to being imprisoned. I have had friends and co-workers ask me why I believe the things I believe, especially when it goes against popular society. I have been called ignorant and confused for believing in God when an "enlightened" society "knows" he is a myth. My answer is actually quite simple, I followed someone else and ended up in the darkness, it was painful and sad. God used other people to shine a light on me until I had enough faith to store up my own light. I know that God knows who I am and that He loves me. Now I shine my light for others who have lost their way. And while my light is my testimony and my beliefs it is actually a reflection of the Light from that God who saved me.

Count your many blessings

This week has continued the eye-opening experiences. I complain too much :p I am so blessed. I wanted to share some of the things that happened this week. I was lamenting to a friend that it is expensive to live here. Complaining that I have to share a room with my daughter because I can't afford my own place. As I was leaving her house to go back to mine, the street that I usually turn onto to go home had a red light and I didn't feel like waiting. I went down a different road instead. As I was travelling down that road I passed by the St Vincent de Paul building. I looked over at the doorway, and huddled in sleeping bags I saw about half a dozen people. The only thing between them and the hard ground, between them and the night air, was a single sleeping bag. I was going home, to a soft bed, warm blankets, a working heater. I was complaining about having to share a room, these six people were sharing a doorway. On my continuing way to humble gratitude-ville, I passed by "complaining about being single" land. I was lamenting (again) to my friend that I have been single for 4 and 1/2 years. I was complaining that I have been doing all in my power, following every prompting and I wasn't having any luck. I knew it was up to God but sheesh, wasn't I doing enough, where was God and why wasn't his part being done? Well I came across this blog, (Gay) Mormon Guy . Ok, here is a man who has same gender attraction and is LDS. Wow!! Working towards eternal marriage, doing all that he can do, but with a completely different attitude than mine. Needless to say, I had to take another step off my "woe is me" ladder. As I thought about the reasons that I want to marry I realized that one was a moot point. I want my daughter to have a good strong priesthood holder in her life. Last Sunday a dear friend of ours, Will, came to town for a baptism. He sat beside my daughter, he had his arm around her as we were singing a song titled, "Count your many blessings". Part of the song says, "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by. Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God hath done." I looked at my daughter, seated by Will, and realized that she is very blessed. She has her grandfather and her uncle who live here in town that are good men. She has other uncles that live out of town but that love her and look after her. I have many male friends who are wonderful examples to her. Sure she doesn't have a dad at this point, but she has many fine father figures in her life. Taking a little time to count the blessings in my life, the things I complain about seem trivial. I saw a man walking down the street, dressed in layers. He is a homeless man and all the clothes he has, he wears. I have clothes in buckets because my dresser is filled to bursting with clothes I don't even wear. I have enough shoes to wear a different pair each day for three weeks without repeating a pair. I have two boxes of blankets in my garage for when I feel like changing up my room a bit. In this crazy economy I have a job that pays me enough to get my hair and nails done every once in a while. The Lord has blessed me greatly, sure there are things I still want, that He has promised me, but that will be in His time, not mine.
So, count (my) many blessings:
1 My Parents - who taught me and continue to support me
2 My siblings - we laugh, we fight, we love
3 My daughter - my sunshine, my reminder of who I am as I try to teach her who she is
4 My in-laws - grateful that my siblings married wonderful people, who I love beyond words
5 My Nieces and Nephews - being an aunt is almost a great as being mom - especially grateful for the safe arrival of little baby TF 3/14/11 at 9 AM
6 My little family - who blessed me as a young woman by adopting my precious angel Reagan
7 My friends - always supporting me, even when I am being silly
8 My boss - Best boss ever!!!
9 My co-workers -  who technically are listed twice because they are my friends as well
10 My roommate - who is also my friend :)
11 My missionaries - those that invite me to go with them to teach lessons, those that chat with me online, those that I love that are serving in other places
12 My job - in this economy I would be crazy not to be grateful for a job that is full time with benefits
13 My car - sure gas is expensive, but it gets me where I need to be
14 My house - warm, roomy, no upstairs neighbors :)
15 My fridge - full of food, what else do you need?
16 My clothes - keep me covered, warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot
17 My shoes - :D love LOVE love shoes
18 My city - close to everything, but not too close
19 My technology -  really, I love being able to connect with people via text, my ipod keeps me sane doing data entry, and all the other electronic things that not everyone can afford
20 My talents - cooking, music, photography, crafts
21 My health - saves a lot of $ and time being healthy
22 Music - music to dance to, music to sing along with, music to make me laugh, music to make me cry, music to make me feel loved, music to soothe my soul
23 Sunshine - vitamin D
24 Rain - perfect for twirling
25 Flowers - beauty for the eye and the nose
26 Chocolate - :D
27 My allegies - I know it sounds a little silly to be grateful for those, but considering I have friends and family that are allergic to foods and animals, I will take a plant that only blooms for a few weeks a year
28 The Gospel
29 Temples
30 The Holy Ghost - guidance, comfort and protection
31 Jesus Christ - my brother, my friend, my Savior
32 My Heavenly Father - who gives me all these things and more

Tender Mercies

Those of you that have been reading previous posts know that this year has been a struggle for me. I have felt like God was not caring about me or what my trials were. Yesterday I took the day off of work and served lunch at the Missionary Zone Conference that was held in Santa Rosa. I cooked up two pans of pasta and rushed over to the church. As I was helping set things up groups of missionaries would walk by and say hi and thanks. Every now and again a missionary that I know but haven't seen in a while would walk past, the reaction was always the same. They would look into the gym and then their face would light up as they recognized me and they would wave. As they started coming in for lunch I got hugs (the sisters) and handshakes (the elders) from missionaries that I have worked with in past months. President Bunker introduced Lisa and asked her to introduce the rest of us. I was at the end of the line. When she got to me and said my name I saw lights go on in several faces as they recognized my name as someone who is friends with them on Facebook, or who follows their blogs. The love I felt from those I know, and the sincere gratitude from those I don't know was overwhelming. I felt like I belonged there.
I was thinking about how I used to go to institute in the middle of the week and how that gave me a spiritual boost to get through my work week. I work in a very liberal welfare program, and being a conservative christian is not easy in that kind of environment. My work schedule has changed and I am no longer able to go. As I was surrounded by missionaries, talking to them about their blogs, I realized that what I have now is better than institute. I get to read missionary blogs almost every day! I get to chat with them on a regular basis. When I am feeling at the end of my rope I can always read a blog by Elder Abbott, Elder Spendlove can always make me smile and yet ponder deep concepts too, when I feel like no one else is going through what I am going through Elder LeeMaster proves me wrong with his Testimony Tuesday, Elder Albright reminds me who is for me and who is against me, Elder Menasco has such a simple yet profound way of stating things, Elder Manciati helps me in my desires to share what I have with those around me. There are many more that I love to read, instead of a once a week spiritual lift, I get an almost daily dose of reminders. Every weekday through faithful missionaries the Lord reminds me that I am His child and that He knows my wants and needs and the trials I am going through. Sometimes He has to whack me over the head, especially when I get too deep into my "poor me" mode. Elder Polson asked me if I could go with him and Elder Manciati to visit an investigator that night. The first house we went to the person wasn't there so I followed them to another house (following Elders is an entertaining activity, possibly even an extreme sport). The lady we spoke with there was so sweet. As we talked I told her about extremely personal experiences and realized that she had gone through very similar trials. I realized that the Lord loves each of his children and by having me go through the trials I went through, He created in me a heart that would be able to connect to her heart. I am grateful for the things I went through because I can honestly tell her that the Lord will take care of it all if we trust him. Satan had been trying to get me to doubt the promises I have received from the Lord, and I must confess he was having a fairly decent amount of success in that endeavor. As I was bearing testimony to this sweet sister about the trials I had gone through, about God's promises that He fulfilled, I told her "I don't have any doubt that the Lord will fulfill all His promises, even if He has to say 'not now' at that moment. At some point the answer will be yes." As I said that the Spirit kind of, slightly, like a lot, whacked me upside the head with a spiritual 2x4. He testified to my heart and soul that what I had just spoken was truth, that I really felt that way even with Satan trying to convince me that I felt otherwise. I do not doubt my God, He has proven faithful in everything else.
Surrounded by the love and affection of the missionaries, folded in their loving arms, I felt the arms of my Savior around me. As they sang with deep gratitude "As I have loved you" I felt their love, and the Lord's love for me. "As I have loved you (for I truly, deeply love you) love one another"