Of death and dying: Thoughts on suicide

Glee the other day really got me thinking. One of the story-lines was about David Karofsky, a jock who bullied Kurt the openly gay teen on the show. Last season it was shown that the reason he was so antagonistic to Kurt was because he was attracted to Kurt and wasn't ready to admit it. It got out that he was also gay and he himself became the bullied. On tonight's episode there was a lot of bullying and he went to his room. As he cried and looked at his stuff I saw a look on his face that I recognized. The look of utter despair, complete hopelessness. I have felt that in my own life. I knew where the plot line was going, I gasped at the TV and said out loud, "he is going to kill himself." The show handled it very well and very real. This touched me for two reasons; my former stepson, who I claim as my child, is gay; also I have thought about suicide a few times. I never did anything serious but I was a cutter, which I guess actually is rather serious. I would use pins and pocket knives. I would carve words into my thigh just above my shorts hemline so no one could see them. I would also carve words or cut lines in my wrists underneath my watch band. I never went deep enough to be in any danger or leave scars but I did go deep enough to draw blood and to create injuries that would hurt for several days. I thought doing this would somehow relieve the internal emotional pain I was going through. My life was awesome, I was spoiled, middle class, white and a girl, I pretty much had the world handed to me on a platter. So where were these dark thoughts coming from? As I got older different thoughts came, turning slightly into the big rig passing me, stepping off the balcony etc. So why am I telling you all these things? I am not looking for pity or concern. I want you to know that I have looked into the darkness and come out the other side. I want you to know that no matter how dark it gets the sun always rises! I have come to realize that anytime I have those dark thoughts it is because a dark force is whispering them to me, because Satan hates me and is trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential.
I wanted to share this so that anyone else feeling like they are the only one who is hurting, that no one understands, or that life isn't worth living, to know that it isn't true. I am here. I understand and I care. Life is so amazingly beautiful! I love my life right now, it is not perfect, it is not easy, but I have so much joy in my life, so much love.
I also wanted people to realize that just because someone seems to have everything and seems happy, they might not be. I know that many times I was brought back to reality, brought out of the dark haze by a friend or family member who had a feeling that they should call me or stop by and see me. So, if you feel like you need to check in on someone, don't delay, they may be in a lonely dark place and you may be God's angel to help them return to the light.
Depression is real, pain is real, suicide is hard for those that are left. Be an angel to someone you love. And if you are in that dark place, message me, I will always be here and I will always care.
I love you all so very much :)

Opening our hearts to love

It was Valentine's day recently. Love has been the topic of the day. In general I resist love as I feel it makes me weak, trusting someone else with my heart is not an easy task, even when the person asking for my heart is God Himself. At church the other day, as people were giving their talks, this simple and yet profound thought came into my head, "We need to open our hearts to love, we need to be vulnerable. We need to not worry about our hearts being broken for two very important reasons - first, the Lord requires of us a broken heart and a contrite spirit and second, there is no heartache that the Lord cannot heal. All the greatest blessing in history came from people being willing to risk everything, including heartache, to do the Lord's will." I made a decision at that moment. I decided that I would stop struggling against my heart, even promptings that I was receiving, and open my heart to love and to possible heartbreak. A very surprising thing happened when I did that. I found that I felt incredibly vulnerable and it was scary. I had always been hard, maybe a little too hard, I needed to be I thought. To get through everything I had gotten through, I built a strong shell. I was used to being strong, used to not letting anyone in. Being vulnerable by choice was very strange. I felt like I could feel the wind rushing past my heart, like my chest was open and my heart was just there, exposed to the elements. I must confess, I did touch my chest just to make sure my heart wasn't exposed and about to fall out, I felt like a dork afterwards :) Then an amazing thing happened, another wall was put in place, but not my wall, a soft wall and a voice promising me that He would take care of my heart. I thought for a moment that everything would be pie after that. Not so much, opening my heart and putting all my trust in the Lord was a little more than Satan could stand. The attacks started shortly after that decision. Doubts and fears crept into my mind and as I prayed for strength and faith, the attacks got more vicious. I do not doubt that the devil is a very real being, with vast knowledge, millennia of experience and an eternal hatred of those that choose righteousness. Dark thoughts that were not my own popped into my head unbidden. I would frequently feel a dark, malicious force near me. Sometimes the darkness was so thick I could feel it, surrounding me like a wet blanket, making it hard to breathe. It was scary at times. Last night I was having a discussion with my Heavenly Father, discussing the fact that every night since I had made that decision I had gone to bed with a broken heart, and every morning He bound up that heart and gave me hope for the new day. It has not been easy, and there have been times I have been like Lehi when Nephi's bow broke. The Lord knows I trust Him, but that didn't stop me from complaining. I am working on that :/. As we discussed what opening the heart to love looked like several thoughts and scriptures came to my mind. Opening my heart meant praying more fervently for those that had hurt me or people I cared about. I used to pray for my ex husband and his family but hadn't done so in a while. All this week with renewed determination I prayed that the men that abused me in the past would find their way to the Savior and His healing love. I prayed for friends and their families, I prayed for the ex-spouses of friends, people that I have never met. I prayed that the Lord would bind up the broken hearts of those I love. I came to realize how important two scriptures are, they really need to be read together. The first one is not really all that clear by itself. Galatians 5:14 14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  Now my problem with this particular scripture is that some people are a little too much in love with themselves, to the exclusion of all others. Some people do not love themselves at all, so loving their neighbor as themselves means demeaning them and hurting them, as they do to themselves. That scripture needs to be read with this one: John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. The commandment is to love others as God loves us. If then, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, and love others as God loves us, we must also love ourselves as God loves us. We are His children. If we are to reach our full potential we must accept that and love ourselves as children of God. We must first love ourselves to be able to then share that love with others. I found that as I accepted myself, my vulnerability, and potential heartbreak my prayers became more kind and loving, my actions towards others was more gentle. I prayed with true intent for people that I had never met before, people I never thought I would be praying for. People who, by the world's standard, deserve every bit of bitterness and anger I have. And yet, out of love, I was praying for them to be healed, even as I was healed. Opening your heart is scary, Satan knows that the best way to keep our hearts closed is to play on those fears. He played on my fears a lot these past weeks. However, the Lord is stronger. He loves us beyond measure and if our hearts are broken, He can heal them. Opening my heart to love has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother. I don't know where this path is leading to, but I trust the one showing the way. The King of Love, my Shepard is. His goodness faileth never.

Nephi's Journey, My Journey

I was reading in 1st Nephi the other day. We are told that we should "Liken the scriptures unto ourselves" so I started thinking about how the scriptures I was reading could be likened unto my life. I happened to be reading 1st Nephi chapter 2. In this chapter the Lord commands Lehi and his family to leave everything behind and travel into the wilderness. Lehi left his job, his home, his inheritance, everything except for what was needed for the trip. I started to think about all the other things they left behind that aren't mentioned, I never thought much about what Laman and Lemuel were leaving behind except for wealth. They were in Jerusalem 600 BC. I find it highly unlikely that Lehi or Sariah were only children. In fact it is much more probable that there was much family that was left behind. Uncles, Aunt's cousins, grandparents, friends also would have been left behind. I think it would be hard to be told that someone you had loved you whole life was going to be destroyed because they were being wicked. They then go out into the desert and only return briefly twice for scriptures and wives. They end up in the wilderness for 8 years where they suffer much frustration, trials, hunger and pain. As I read these chapters I had a sudden understanding of how this related to my life right now. First I want to say that I do not have evil, murmuring brothers. My brothers and brothers-in-law all really rock and I love them more than words can express. My journey has been about 8 years, just a little jumbled in the order that things happened. I was inactive, married to a drug dealer (not by choice) and pregnant. An angel of the Lord visited Laman and Lemuel to let them know that they needed to change their course in life, likewise I was visited by angels of the human kind who helped me get my life back on track. Having the Lord guide your life does not mean that there won't be suffering, and as Nephi suffered at the hands of his beloved family, I also suffered abuse at the hands of him who had promised to love and cherish me. Like Nephi I turned to the Lord and was eventually freed from my bonds. When I got to CA I thought I was done with my journey, but the Lord had other plans. The family of Nephi ended up for a little while in a beautiful place they named Bountiful. Santa Rosa was my Bountiful, as beautiful as it is, it is not where the Lord has in mind for me to receive all the blessings He has in store for me. One day in September I was in church listening to a talk when all of the sudden I was struck by a prompting so simple and yet life changing. I needed to quit my job and move out to Utah even though I had no job lined up. Now I did not leave behind great wealth, but I was making 30k+ a year and that was sufficient to live decently. It was really hard to leave my family. I did not worry that they would be destroyed, but I knew that with my limited resources the chances of me seeing them again any time soon were slim. Leaving my friends behind was hard too, I still feel it's sting even though I have made wonderful friends here. I drove through the desert and ended up in Provo, not where I expected to be but time and again the Lord has shown me His wisdom in the place that I have been led to. The journey didn't have to be as long as it was, as evidenced by the Jaredite journey being a different length, but it was the length that the family of Nephi needed. I am certain that my journey could have been shorter if I had been more obedient in the earlier years of my journey. Every persons journey to the promised land is full of trials and blessings, learning experiences and peaceful oases. Nephi's journey was filled with much sorrow, his brothers rebellion, death of loved ones. My journey has been filled with sorrow at the poor choices of people I care about and death of loved ones. Nephi's journey was also filled with love and rejoicing, reminders of the Lords love and finally the promised land. My journey as well has been filled with much love and rejoicing. To know that the Lord of all creation looks after me is astounding. He knows the name of every star, and yet takes the time on a daily basis, and sometimes even a minutely basis to let me know that He is aware of my struggles, that He knows the path and to remind me that if I follow His plan, I too will reach the promised land. I am grateful to know that the Lord looks over me and my daughter. I am grateful to see His hand in my life.