Of death and dying: Thoughts on suicide

Glee the other day really got me thinking. One of the story-lines was about David Karofsky, a jock who bullied Kurt the openly gay teen on the show. Last season it was shown that the reason he was so antagonistic to Kurt was because he was attracted to Kurt and wasn't ready to admit it. It got out that he was also gay and he himself became the bullied. On tonight's episode there was a lot of bullying and he went to his room. As he cried and looked at his stuff I saw a look on his face that I recognized. The look of utter despair, complete hopelessness. I have felt that in my own life. I knew where the plot line was going, I gasped at the TV and said out loud, "he is going to kill himself." The show handled it very well and very real. This touched me for two reasons; my former stepson, who I claim as my child, is gay; also I have thought about suicide a few times. I never did anything serious but I was a cutter, which I guess actually is rather serious. I would use pins and pocket knives. I would carve words into my thigh just above my shorts hemline so no one could see them. I would also carve words or cut lines in my wrists underneath my watch band. I never went deep enough to be in any danger or leave scars but I did go deep enough to draw blood and to create injuries that would hurt for several days. I thought doing this would somehow relieve the internal emotional pain I was going through. My life was awesome, I was spoiled, middle class, white and a girl, I pretty much had the world handed to me on a platter. So where were these dark thoughts coming from? As I got older different thoughts came, turning slightly into the big rig passing me, stepping off the balcony etc. So why am I telling you all these things? I am not looking for pity or concern. I want you to know that I have looked into the darkness and come out the other side. I want you to know that no matter how dark it gets the sun always rises! I have come to realize that anytime I have those dark thoughts it is because a dark force is whispering them to me, because Satan hates me and is trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential.
I wanted to share this so that anyone else feeling like they are the only one who is hurting, that no one understands, or that life isn't worth living, to know that it isn't true. I am here. I understand and I care. Life is so amazingly beautiful! I love my life right now, it is not perfect, it is not easy, but I have so much joy in my life, so much love.
I also wanted people to realize that just because someone seems to have everything and seems happy, they might not be. I know that many times I was brought back to reality, brought out of the dark haze by a friend or family member who had a feeling that they should call me or stop by and see me. So, if you feel like you need to check in on someone, don't delay, they may be in a lonely dark place and you may be God's angel to help them return to the light.
Depression is real, pain is real, suicide is hard for those that are left. Be an angel to someone you love. And if you are in that dark place, message me, I will always be here and I will always care.
I love you all so very much :)