Opening our hearts to love

It was Valentine's day recently. Love has been the topic of the day. In general I resist love as I feel it makes me weak, trusting someone else with my heart is not an easy task, even when the person asking for my heart is God Himself. At church the other day, as people were giving their talks, this simple and yet profound thought came into my head, "We need to open our hearts to love, we need to be vulnerable. We need to not worry about our hearts being broken for two very important reasons - first, the Lord requires of us a broken heart and a contrite spirit and second, there is no heartache that the Lord cannot heal. All the greatest blessing in history came from people being willing to risk everything, including heartache, to do the Lord's will." I made a decision at that moment. I decided that I would stop struggling against my heart, even promptings that I was receiving, and open my heart to love and to possible heartbreak. A very surprising thing happened when I did that. I found that I felt incredibly vulnerable and it was scary. I had always been hard, maybe a little too hard, I needed to be I thought. To get through everything I had gotten through, I built a strong shell. I was used to being strong, used to not letting anyone in. Being vulnerable by choice was very strange. I felt like I could feel the wind rushing past my heart, like my chest was open and my heart was just there, exposed to the elements. I must confess, I did touch my chest just to make sure my heart wasn't exposed and about to fall out, I felt like a dork afterwards :) Then an amazing thing happened, another wall was put in place, but not my wall, a soft wall and a voice promising me that He would take care of my heart. I thought for a moment that everything would be pie after that. Not so much, opening my heart and putting all my trust in the Lord was a little more than Satan could stand. The attacks started shortly after that decision. Doubts and fears crept into my mind and as I prayed for strength and faith, the attacks got more vicious. I do not doubt that the devil is a very real being, with vast knowledge, millennia of experience and an eternal hatred of those that choose righteousness. Dark thoughts that were not my own popped into my head unbidden. I would frequently feel a dark, malicious force near me. Sometimes the darkness was so thick I could feel it, surrounding me like a wet blanket, making it hard to breathe. It was scary at times. Last night I was having a discussion with my Heavenly Father, discussing the fact that every night since I had made that decision I had gone to bed with a broken heart, and every morning He bound up that heart and gave me hope for the new day. It has not been easy, and there have been times I have been like Lehi when Nephi's bow broke. The Lord knows I trust Him, but that didn't stop me from complaining. I am working on that :/. As we discussed what opening the heart to love looked like several thoughts and scriptures came to my mind. Opening my heart meant praying more fervently for those that had hurt me or people I cared about. I used to pray for my ex husband and his family but hadn't done so in a while. All this week with renewed determination I prayed that the men that abused me in the past would find their way to the Savior and His healing love. I prayed for friends and their families, I prayed for the ex-spouses of friends, people that I have never met. I prayed that the Lord would bind up the broken hearts of those I love. I came to realize how important two scriptures are, they really need to be read together. The first one is not really all that clear by itself. Galatians 5:14 14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  Now my problem with this particular scripture is that some people are a little too much in love with themselves, to the exclusion of all others. Some people do not love themselves at all, so loving their neighbor as themselves means demeaning them and hurting them, as they do to themselves. That scripture needs to be read with this one: John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. The commandment is to love others as God loves us. If then, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, and love others as God loves us, we must also love ourselves as God loves us. We are His children. If we are to reach our full potential we must accept that and love ourselves as children of God. We must first love ourselves to be able to then share that love with others. I found that as I accepted myself, my vulnerability, and potential heartbreak my prayers became more kind and loving, my actions towards others was more gentle. I prayed with true intent for people that I had never met before, people I never thought I would be praying for. People who, by the world's standard, deserve every bit of bitterness and anger I have. And yet, out of love, I was praying for them to be healed, even as I was healed. Opening your heart is scary, Satan knows that the best way to keep our hearts closed is to play on those fears. He played on my fears a lot these past weeks. However, the Lord is stronger. He loves us beyond measure and if our hearts are broken, He can heal them. Opening my heart to love has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother. I don't know where this path is leading to, but I trust the one showing the way. The King of Love, my Shepard is. His goodness faileth never.