Of death and dying: Thoughts on suicide

Glee the other day really got me thinking. One of the story-lines was about David Karofsky, a jock who bullied Kurt the openly gay teen on the show. Last season it was shown that the reason he was so antagonistic to Kurt was because he was attracted to Kurt and wasn't ready to admit it. It got out that he was also gay and he himself became the bullied. On tonight's episode there was a lot of bullying and he went to his room. As he cried and looked at his stuff I saw a look on his face that I recognized. The look of utter despair, complete hopelessness. I have felt that in my own life. I knew where the plot line was going, I gasped at the TV and said out loud, "he is going to kill himself." The show handled it very well and very real. This touched me for two reasons; my former stepson, who I claim as my child, is gay; also I have thought about suicide a few times. I never did anything serious but I was a cutter, which I guess actually is rather serious. I would use pins and pocket knives. I would carve words into my thigh just above my shorts hemline so no one could see them. I would also carve words or cut lines in my wrists underneath my watch band. I never went deep enough to be in any danger or leave scars but I did go deep enough to draw blood and to create injuries that would hurt for several days. I thought doing this would somehow relieve the internal emotional pain I was going through. My life was awesome, I was spoiled, middle class, white and a girl, I pretty much had the world handed to me on a platter. So where were these dark thoughts coming from? As I got older different thoughts came, turning slightly into the big rig passing me, stepping off the balcony etc. So why am I telling you all these things? I am not looking for pity or concern. I want you to know that I have looked into the darkness and come out the other side. I want you to know that no matter how dark it gets the sun always rises! I have come to realize that anytime I have those dark thoughts it is because a dark force is whispering them to me, because Satan hates me and is trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential.
I wanted to share this so that anyone else feeling like they are the only one who is hurting, that no one understands, or that life isn't worth living, to know that it isn't true. I am here. I understand and I care. Life is so amazingly beautiful! I love my life right now, it is not perfect, it is not easy, but I have so much joy in my life, so much love.
I also wanted people to realize that just because someone seems to have everything and seems happy, they might not be. I know that many times I was brought back to reality, brought out of the dark haze by a friend or family member who had a feeling that they should call me or stop by and see me. So, if you feel like you need to check in on someone, don't delay, they may be in a lonely dark place and you may be God's angel to help them return to the light.
Depression is real, pain is real, suicide is hard for those that are left. Be an angel to someone you love. And if you are in that dark place, message me, I will always be here and I will always care.
I love you all so very much :)

Opening our hearts to love

It was Valentine's day recently. Love has been the topic of the day. In general I resist love as I feel it makes me weak, trusting someone else with my heart is not an easy task, even when the person asking for my heart is God Himself. At church the other day, as people were giving their talks, this simple and yet profound thought came into my head, "We need to open our hearts to love, we need to be vulnerable. We need to not worry about our hearts being broken for two very important reasons - first, the Lord requires of us a broken heart and a contrite spirit and second, there is no heartache that the Lord cannot heal. All the greatest blessing in history came from people being willing to risk everything, including heartache, to do the Lord's will." I made a decision at that moment. I decided that I would stop struggling against my heart, even promptings that I was receiving, and open my heart to love and to possible heartbreak. A very surprising thing happened when I did that. I found that I felt incredibly vulnerable and it was scary. I had always been hard, maybe a little too hard, I needed to be I thought. To get through everything I had gotten through, I built a strong shell. I was used to being strong, used to not letting anyone in. Being vulnerable by choice was very strange. I felt like I could feel the wind rushing past my heart, like my chest was open and my heart was just there, exposed to the elements. I must confess, I did touch my chest just to make sure my heart wasn't exposed and about to fall out, I felt like a dork afterwards :) Then an amazing thing happened, another wall was put in place, but not my wall, a soft wall and a voice promising me that He would take care of my heart. I thought for a moment that everything would be pie after that. Not so much, opening my heart and putting all my trust in the Lord was a little more than Satan could stand. The attacks started shortly after that decision. Doubts and fears crept into my mind and as I prayed for strength and faith, the attacks got more vicious. I do not doubt that the devil is a very real being, with vast knowledge, millennia of experience and an eternal hatred of those that choose righteousness. Dark thoughts that were not my own popped into my head unbidden. I would frequently feel a dark, malicious force near me. Sometimes the darkness was so thick I could feel it, surrounding me like a wet blanket, making it hard to breathe. It was scary at times. Last night I was having a discussion with my Heavenly Father, discussing the fact that every night since I had made that decision I had gone to bed with a broken heart, and every morning He bound up that heart and gave me hope for the new day. It has not been easy, and there have been times I have been like Lehi when Nephi's bow broke. The Lord knows I trust Him, but that didn't stop me from complaining. I am working on that :/. As we discussed what opening the heart to love looked like several thoughts and scriptures came to my mind. Opening my heart meant praying more fervently for those that had hurt me or people I cared about. I used to pray for my ex husband and his family but hadn't done so in a while. All this week with renewed determination I prayed that the men that abused me in the past would find their way to the Savior and His healing love. I prayed for friends and their families, I prayed for the ex-spouses of friends, people that I have never met. I prayed that the Lord would bind up the broken hearts of those I love. I came to realize how important two scriptures are, they really need to be read together. The first one is not really all that clear by itself. Galatians 5:14 14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  Now my problem with this particular scripture is that some people are a little too much in love with themselves, to the exclusion of all others. Some people do not love themselves at all, so loving their neighbor as themselves means demeaning them and hurting them, as they do to themselves. That scripture needs to be read with this one: John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. The commandment is to love others as God loves us. If then, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, and love others as God loves us, we must also love ourselves as God loves us. We are His children. If we are to reach our full potential we must accept that and love ourselves as children of God. We must first love ourselves to be able to then share that love with others. I found that as I accepted myself, my vulnerability, and potential heartbreak my prayers became more kind and loving, my actions towards others was more gentle. I prayed with true intent for people that I had never met before, people I never thought I would be praying for. People who, by the world's standard, deserve every bit of bitterness and anger I have. And yet, out of love, I was praying for them to be healed, even as I was healed. Opening your heart is scary, Satan knows that the best way to keep our hearts closed is to play on those fears. He played on my fears a lot these past weeks. However, the Lord is stronger. He loves us beyond measure and if our hearts are broken, He can heal them. Opening my heart to love has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother. I don't know where this path is leading to, but I trust the one showing the way. The King of Love, my Shepard is. His goodness faileth never.

Nephi's Journey, My Journey

I was reading in 1st Nephi the other day. We are told that we should "Liken the scriptures unto ourselves" so I started thinking about how the scriptures I was reading could be likened unto my life. I happened to be reading 1st Nephi chapter 2. In this chapter the Lord commands Lehi and his family to leave everything behind and travel into the wilderness. Lehi left his job, his home, his inheritance, everything except for what was needed for the trip. I started to think about all the other things they left behind that aren't mentioned, I never thought much about what Laman and Lemuel were leaving behind except for wealth. They were in Jerusalem 600 BC. I find it highly unlikely that Lehi or Sariah were only children. In fact it is much more probable that there was much family that was left behind. Uncles, Aunt's cousins, grandparents, friends also would have been left behind. I think it would be hard to be told that someone you had loved you whole life was going to be destroyed because they were being wicked. They then go out into the desert and only return briefly twice for scriptures and wives. They end up in the wilderness for 8 years where they suffer much frustration, trials, hunger and pain. As I read these chapters I had a sudden understanding of how this related to my life right now. First I want to say that I do not have evil, murmuring brothers. My brothers and brothers-in-law all really rock and I love them more than words can express. My journey has been about 8 years, just a little jumbled in the order that things happened. I was inactive, married to a drug dealer (not by choice) and pregnant. An angel of the Lord visited Laman and Lemuel to let them know that they needed to change their course in life, likewise I was visited by angels of the human kind who helped me get my life back on track. Having the Lord guide your life does not mean that there won't be suffering, and as Nephi suffered at the hands of his beloved family, I also suffered abuse at the hands of him who had promised to love and cherish me. Like Nephi I turned to the Lord and was eventually freed from my bonds. When I got to CA I thought I was done with my journey, but the Lord had other plans. The family of Nephi ended up for a little while in a beautiful place they named Bountiful. Santa Rosa was my Bountiful, as beautiful as it is, it is not where the Lord has in mind for me to receive all the blessings He has in store for me. One day in September I was in church listening to a talk when all of the sudden I was struck by a prompting so simple and yet life changing. I needed to quit my job and move out to Utah even though I had no job lined up. Now I did not leave behind great wealth, but I was making 30k+ a year and that was sufficient to live decently. It was really hard to leave my family. I did not worry that they would be destroyed, but I knew that with my limited resources the chances of me seeing them again any time soon were slim. Leaving my friends behind was hard too, I still feel it's sting even though I have made wonderful friends here. I drove through the desert and ended up in Provo, not where I expected to be but time and again the Lord has shown me His wisdom in the place that I have been led to. The journey didn't have to be as long as it was, as evidenced by the Jaredite journey being a different length, but it was the length that the family of Nephi needed. I am certain that my journey could have been shorter if I had been more obedient in the earlier years of my journey. Every persons journey to the promised land is full of trials and blessings, learning experiences and peaceful oases. Nephi's journey was filled with much sorrow, his brothers rebellion, death of loved ones. My journey has been filled with sorrow at the poor choices of people I care about and death of loved ones. Nephi's journey was also filled with love and rejoicing, reminders of the Lords love and finally the promised land. My journey as well has been filled with much love and rejoicing. To know that the Lord of all creation looks after me is astounding. He knows the name of every star, and yet takes the time on a daily basis, and sometimes even a minutely basis to let me know that He is aware of my struggles, that He knows the path and to remind me that if I follow His plan, I too will reach the promised land. I am grateful to know that the Lord looks over me and my daughter. I am grateful to see His hand in my life.

In the shadow of the Mountains

So I am officially moved into Provo. I got here on Friday. I actually live right on the ward boundary so Friday I was calling the Bishop of the Provo Peak 7th ward to get help with the moving in bit. I found out Saturday that I actually lived in a different ward and was given the phone number of that bishop. I called and left a message, a little worried because my dad was going to be arriving in a few hours. My daughter and I went walking, the first church building that I thought we were going to be going to is just two blocks from our house. Of course that isn't our church building, we are at one that is eight blocks away - welcome to Utah. As we got closer to that one I was slightly confused, there were a lot of cars in the parking lot and the windows were stained glass. My daughter said, I bet this is our church. I told her that I didn't think it was because we don't use stained glass in our buildings, but as we went around to the front there was the sign The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It had two wards listed on the outside of the building but neither of them were the one we were told we were in. I walked in and started speaking to a man in the foyer. He let me know that I was in the right place and that he was my Bishop. He called the Elders Quorum president and in a little over two hours I had five strangers at my house helping me move my stuff in. My uncle, two cousins and my sister also came to help. Sunday morning after talking to my mom I misplaced my cell phone. I didn't realize that I didn't have it until I thought to turn the ringer off at church. Church was interesting, I have never been in a building like it before, beautiful stained glass windows, stone walls, it was also packed full of people. I was a little nervous about getting lost in such a large crowd. So many people talked to me that I feel a little bad that I don't remember their names. After church all the new people in the ward met with the bishop. There was about 9 of us. After talking to us and hearing a little bit of our stories, the bishop said a prayer. He prayed for each one of us by name and according to our circumstances. I have always known that we are prayed for by those who are called as stewards over us, but I always thought it was more like a general blanket "please bless those that I am called to serve" type prayer. To actually hear my bishop saying my name and my personal circumstances and needs in a prayer was pretty amazing. I was not just a nameless ward member, he knew my name even though we had barely met the day before and he understood my circumstances. Not only did he pray for me to find employment, but he prayed that I would find the reason for me being called out to Utah. After church we dashed home to see if I could find my phone. I couldn't so I couldn't even call my uncle to let him know we might be a little late. We left for their house praying that I wouldn't get lost, as I had gotten lost three time on Friday; going to meet the landlord, going to my sister's house and returning home. I tried to follow my uncle's instructions but still managed to get lost. My GPS system stopped working in mid-Nevada so I was more than a little scared as I was driving in unknown territory. I prayed that somehow I would find a sign or some way to direct me to my uncle's town. I felt like maybe I should try my GPS. It turned on and in 15 minutes I was at my uncle's door, not before turning the wrong way on a street one last time. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck, frustration, fear, gratitude and relief all mixed together and I sat in my car for a few minutes to compose myself. Not that that did any good, as soon as I was inside the house my sister and my father both noticed that I was upset and asked me what was wrong, which set me crying again. My cousin's husband, who I had never met before that day, got me a glass of ice water and took my daughter to get her plate ready. It was hard to not cry at the kindness of someone who, although technically is family, was still a complete stranger to me. It was wonderful to be with family and getting home was a lot easier this time. Things have still been hard, money has been really tight, but for every tough thing there has been something amazing too. I was lamenting the fact that I had miscalculated money to my older sister and then she turns around and hands me a $100 gift card. I have been to the Provo temple twice since I got here and both times I have felt the Spirit so strongly, the first time was so strong it brought me to tears and I was unable to speak for a moment. Before I left Santa Rosa, my older brother blessed me to be aware of the Spirits; those that went before me to prepare the way, those that went beside me to support me and those that went behind to provide protection. I have felt them many times and have been moved to tears at some of the most random times. He also mentioned the fiery darts of the adversary, which I have also felt very strongly since getting out here. It has been hard but I have faith that the Lord has a reason for it all. Living in the shadow of the mountain is interesting, having these towering walls all around me makes me feel safe. Living in the shadow of the Mountain of the Lord's House has been a blessing, even in it's brevity. I love living so close to the temple. I love being able to drop my daughter off at school and drive 5 minutes and be there, in that peaceful sacred place. I do not know why the Lord has sent me here at this time, but I am grateful for the blessings I have received for coming out here. I do miss my family and friends that I left in Cali, but I know that the Lord will watch over them until my return. I know He will watch over me and my daughter as He has been. I know that someday all of this will make sense. For now I will live in the shadow of the two mountains, the physical one that reminds me of the strength of the Lord and the Spiritual one that reminds me of the promises of the Lord.
The Lord is faithful :)

How I know there is a God.

I have been thinking about the things I know and believe lately. There are people that say with all the bad things happening in the world there can't be a god because an all powerful god would not allow such things to happen.
So why do I have such a strong conviction that there is a God? Because I have seen His hand in my life. I was in a really bad situation once, one that I couldn't get out of by myself. I was quite literally a prisoner to someone elses bad choices. I prayed a lot during that time. It was very hard, but every day I felt strength and encouragement and was able to make it through that day. One day I reached the end of my strength, I prayed for a way out and the very next day the first in a series of miracles happened. Miracles that got me out of a foreign country and back to the loving arms of my parents. There were times when I felt an assurance and sense of peace that came from outside of myself. At those times I knew that God had sent His angels to watch over me. As I strive to do things that are right I see changes in my life. Changes that bring me great happiness, changes that make my life and my daughter's life better.
So why do bad things happen to people? The Lord, as much as it pains Him, allows us to decide for ourselves if we want to believe in Him and follow His commandments. He even allows other people to hurt us, is that is their choice. The devil would have us believe that God is powerless and that is why he does nothing. The devil is a cunning liar. Someday there will be an accounting of all the actions that we have done. It's hard sometimes to turn over the hurt and the anger to the Lord. There are times when I would like to see bad people punished for what they have done, but the Lord has told us that vengeance is His and He will repay.
My dad is awesome, when I have to make a choice, whether is be getting a new car, moving or getting a new job, my dad will talk to me, give me his advice and opinion and then back off and let me make the decision myself. Sure I have gone contrary to his advice, I have disappointed him, but every time I need him, he is there. God is our Heavenly Father, He loves us very much. And even when we disappoint Him, He will always be there when we turn to Him. Just like any parent at some point has to let go and let their children make their own mistakes, so God lets go and allows us to make our own choices, it is because He loves and trusts us enough to make the right choice. Even when we do mess up, He is there offering forgiveness and redemption.
I know that God lives, I know He loves me. I know that if I turn to Him, amid the chaos and sadness of this life, I can have peace. I can have joy even when things go wrong. It also helps me be more kind to others, knowing that they are precious to God. I wish I could help everyone understand that. Maybe once we start loving everyone else as they truly are, as children of God, we will have world peace.

To you, my reader, I want you to know that I love you. I know who you truly are. You are a child of a loving and merciful God. He loves you more than you can comprehend. If you do not have this knowledge for yourself I invite you to seek Him out, for He is eager to have you talk to Him. If you do not know how to do that, just ask me. I would be happy to help you. He is the source of all good and of true happiness.
♫ I know He lives. I will follow faithfully. My heart I give to Him. I know my Heavenly Father loves me! ♫

Placentero Nos es Trabajar

I just sang a song this past Sunday called Placentero Nos es Trabajar. I sang it with the missionaries at my church, on of whom gets off her mission today and goes back home. It is a beautiful song and was a moving experience for me. The story behind it is pretty amazing.  Here are the lyrics, in Spanish and a rough translation into English (there is an English song called In the Sweet by and by, that this melody was taken from)

1. Placentero nos es trabajar en la viña del gran Rey Jesús, y honroso nos es predicar a Su pueblo, Su ley y Su Luz. Por Su luz, por Su luz, placentero nos es trabajar. Por Su luz, por Su luz, moriremos en El sin pesar.

2. La palabra de Dios escuchad con ahínco, lealtad, y fervor. Para siempre jamás recordad Su pureza, verdad, y amor. Con amor, con amor, la palabra de Dios escuchad. Con amor, con amor, la bandera de Dios empuñad.

3. ¡Oh hermanos, adiós, pues, adiós! El momento de ir vino ya. Si guardamos la fe en el gran Dios, nos veremos aun más allá, Más allá, más allá, ¡Oh hermanos, adios, pues adios!  Más allá, más allá, moraremos con Dios en amor.

It is pleasant for us to work
In the vineyard of the great God Jesus
And honorable for us to to preach
To His people, His law and His light.
By His light, by His light,
It is pleasant for us to work.
By His light, by His light,
We will die in Him without sadness.

Hear the Word of God
With eagerness, loyalty and fervor.
Forever and always remember
His purity, truth, and love.
With love, with love,
Hear the Word of God.
With love, with love,
Bear the flag of God.

Oh, brothers! Good-by, then Good-bye!
The moment to leave has come.
If we keep the faith in the great God,
We will yet see each other far Beyond.
Far Beyond, far Beyond,
O, brothers! Good-by, then Good-by!
Far Beyond, far Beyond,
We will live with God in love.

Clate W. Mask, Jr., of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, loves to tell how his grandfather, Andrés C. González, came to write this song. The story goes like this:

Andrés C. González was a schoolmaster’s son, and was one of the first called to serve a mission in Mexico City during the revolutionary era. Preaching on a street corner, he and his companion thought they could attract more attention by singing the popular Protestant hymn, “In the Sweet By and By.” Instead, they attracted the attention of the police, who jailed them for “stealing” the Protestants’ song.

Unable to sleep in the jail, Elder González wrote “Mormon” lyrics to the song. Back on the street corner after being released, the Elders sang “Placentero,” with the new words. The police were ready to haul them back to jail, but Elder Gonzalez exclaimed, "You can't take us to jail. It's not the same song."

Another time, federal soldiers accused him and his companion of being spies and threatened to shoot them on the spot. Convinced they were about to die, Elder González took a lesson from the great Book of Mormon missionary, Abinadi. Remembering how Abinadi gained his reprieve so he could preach to the King, Elder González told the federales, “You can’t kill us yet, we have a message for your Presidente which we have not yet delivered.”

The soldiers were sceptical, but eventually took Elder González to see the President of Mexico. On learning Elder González’ identity, the Presidente told him, “Your father was my favorite teacher.” He and his companion gave the president a Book of Mormon and taught him for two hours. He pardoned the two missionaries, and at Elder González’ request, proclaimed that the Mormons could preach the Gospel freely throughout Mexico without harassment. This was the beginning of the hugely successful LDS missionary movement in Mexico.
In those days, teaching the gospel there was extremely difficult. Today there are 12 temples and 199 stakes in Mexico.

I think of the last blog I wrote, about Esther, and this one about Elder González. Both of them risked their lives for the truth. There are many stories about martyrs as well. Brave men and women. Sometimes I think I must not be brave because I have never been asked to face death for the Lord, but then I realize that sometimes living for God is a greater challenge. I do not have to stand in front of a firing squad, but I am still out there, facing a world where morality is out of fashion. Religion has been called a crutch for the feeble minded, if you claim to believe in a god, people call you superstitious or uneducated. I am not superstitious, I walk under ladders, have broken more mirrors than I can recall and love black cats. I am also not uneducated. I have a couple years of college to my credit plus lessons learned in the school of hard knocks. The more I learn, the more I realize that I really need God in my life. Sometimes it is a little scary to stand up in front of a group of people I don't know and talk about my belief in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but I know that They are real. I know that if we let Them work in our lives, we will be better people for it. I will end this particular post with some scriptures from some of my most favorite missionaries of all time Ammon and Alma. Alma 26 is Ammon speaking and Alma 29 is Alma :)

Alma 26: 8 Blessed be the name of our God; let us sing to his praise, yea, let us give thanks to his holy name, for he doth work righteousness forever... I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

 12Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

14Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed [us] from the chains of hell.

16Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.

Alma 29: 1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

 2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

And if I perish, I perish

I love the story of Esther, as an incurable romantic what's not to love? You have a beautiful queen, a cunning villain, a noble king and a righteous prophet/scribe. There is adventure, romance, palace intrigue, danger, murder plots and revenge. It reads almost like a Hollywood movie, but it is a true story. As has always been the case throughout history, the Jews had enemies, people that wanted to destroy the Covenant people of God. This time it happened to be in Persia. The King had a beautiful wife and after several days of partying he sent for her. Now the queen refused to come, we aren't really told why. The king being angry appealed to the princes and was told that law decreed that she be relieved of her crown. A proclamation was sent out that all virgins would be brought to the palace where after a year of purification the king would see them for a night and then decide if he wanted her to be the queen.
For Hadassah, a Jewish orphan raised by her father's nephew, it must have been a time of excitement and also fear. There must have been doubts in her mind as she wondered how she would live Jewish law in the palace. After the one night with the king, all the women were sent to the second house of women only to see the king if he called for her, so pretty much all the girls that were rounded up became concubines. Mordecai charged her to not reveal that she was a Jew, so when she was picked up she went by the Persian name Esther. She kept the law in her heart. She was very beautiful but very kind and soon won over the hearts of the people she was with on a daily basis, much like Joseph who was sold into Egypt. When the time came for the one night with the king, the candidates were allowed to take whatever they wanted to adorn themselves, jewelry, clothing etc. Esther in a very wise move asked the head chamberlain for advice and went before the king with only the things Hegai recommended.
Esther was chosen to be the new queen and the kingdom celebrated. Several more interesting things happen which lead up to an extermination order being sent out against the Jews by Haman, an Agagite - long-time enemies of the Jews on account of the Jews pretty much destroying their people and culture.
Esther was asked by her Uncle to go before the king. She responded that he hadn't called for her in over a month and that to go before the king unasked for could result in death. It all really depended on the mood of the king. If he raised his golden scepter the "offender" was allowed to live and approach him, if he didn't the person quickly lost their head.

13 Then Mordecai commanded to answer Esther, Think not with thyself that thou shalt escape in the king’s house, more than all the Jews.

14 For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father’s house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?

15 Then Esther bade them return Mordecai this answer,

16 Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish.

Esther had to choose between two deaths. The physical death that would come if the king was displeased with her, or the spiritual death that would come if she did not speak up for what she knew was right. Esther does go before the king and he raises his scepter and agrees to have dinner with her in her chambers. Haman is invited as well and feels pretty proud of being invited to a dinner with just the royal couple. His pride turned to sorrow when he realized that Esther was not Esther the Persian, but Hadassah the Jew. The Jews were given permission to fight back and take the property of their attackers and Haman and his 10 sons were all killed.
I own a movie called "One night with the King". It is a fictionalized version of the story of Esther. I really like the scene where she confronts Haman before the king. She stands and says that she is not Esther, but Hadassah. "Hadassah Bat-Abihail, daughter of the tribe of Benjamin, child of the Most High God!" I love the calm confidence she has as she states who she is. She knows where she came from, and when you know that you can be confidant about where you are going.
Esther is my heroine for multiple reasons. She consistently followed her priesthood leader in all things he directed her. When faced with a serious situation she asked for prayers and fasts on her behalf and also did those things herself. She was beautiful but didn't use that as an excuse to be mean or petty.
Her statement, "If I perish, I perish" to me shows her reliance on the Lord. She knew it was a definite possibility, and yet she still did what was right. It would have been easy to hide, to continue to be Esther, queen of Persia. She took the harder path and is still to this day honored among Jews.
We don't always know why we are put in the situations we are put in. Mordecai was wise in saying "who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" We need to be examples wherever we are. We may not save a nation, but we never know. I hope that I can be like her, that when my turn comes to stand before the world to declare who I am, I can say with the same confidence, "I am Kiersten, daughter of the Tribe of Joseph, child of the Most High God!"