Joseph: No Ordinary Man

Joseph: No Ordinary Man or The World's Greatest Step-father

I have been thinking about Joseph a lot lately. He pops into my mind during random conversations, in the temple, while I am studying my scriptures. I figured I better blog about him and get my feelings for him out on paper or he will keep popping up randomly. He is probably the most amazing man the world will gloss over and not look twice at. He is a very unassuming man but he did a remarkable thing. He raised the Son of God with love and tenderness. He is not mentioned very much in the scriptures. In fact he is only mentioned by name 16 times, 2 of those times were to show the genealogy of Jesus Christ, 3 were as a reference to who Christ was; ie. Jesus the son of Joseph. Back in those days there were a lot of Jesus's or Yeshua's as was his Hebrew name. Miriam was a very popular name in those days, as evidenced by the fact that including His mother, Jesus knew at least 7 Miriams. Yeshua was a form of Joshua, a very popular name at the time so using Joseph's name was akin to our using last names now. So of the 16 times Joseph's name is used in the New Testament only 11 are about what he was actually doing. Now most of what I will be writing is my own opinion based on scriptural evidence.
Joseph was an amazingly righteous man. It doesn't out rightly state that in the NT but look at how much care was chosen for the mother of the Son of God. She was pure, holy, righteous, obedient, and humble. She was raised in such a way that when the angel Gabriel came and told her what would happen her responses showed both virtue and humility. Her first reaction wasn't "how can I do this?" or "why me?" it was "how shall this be, seeing I know not a man?" Her second response was, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord..." If so much care was taken to find a righteous and pure vessel to carry the Son of God, how can we believe any less care was taken to find the man who would raise this precious child. After receiving this information Mary went off to her cousin's house for 3 months, in those days it was uncommon for a woman to make that kind of journey without her father or her husband's permission. Mary was already "espoused" to Joseph. The way Jewish custom worked was as follows, "The word eyrusin means - Betrothal. The period is also called - kiddushim - meaning "sanctification" or "set apart." This word really defines the purpose of the betrothal period - it is a time in which the couple are to set side to prepare themselves to enter into the covenant of marriage. The betrothal was so binding that the couple would need a religious divorce or (get) in order to annul the contract (Deut. 24:1-4). After the couple had undergone - Mikveh hwqm (immersion) , each separately, they would appear together under the Huppah - or canopy - and in public they would express their intention of becoming betrothed or engaged. While under the Huppah the couple participated in a ceremony in which some items of value were exchanged - such as rings, and a cup of wine was shared to seal the betrothal vows. After the ceremony - the couple was considered to have entered into the betrothal agreement. This period was to last for one year. During this time the couple was considered married - yet did not have sexual relations - and continued to live separately until the end of the betrothal. (1)" So after getting engaged, which in those times was like being married but not having sex, Mary goes off by herself for 3 months and comes home pregnant. Joseph knows he is not the father. There are several biblical laws about virginity and stoning. A man who takes his bride and discovers that she is not a virgin can publicly denounce her and she will be stoned. Also a woman taken in adultery can be stoned as in NT when Jesus saves the woman taken in adultery by pricking the conscience of those who want to stone her. Either case is possible with Mary and Joseph. They are betrothed and therefore considered married by law so her being pregnant and not by Joseph could be considered adultery. It is here that we see that Joseph was a truly noble and righteous man. It was within his rights to ask that Mary be stoned but he wanted to quietly divorce her. He didn't rashly decide that though, he was pondering it. Studying it out in his mind and praying about it. It is here that an angel comes to him and explains the situation. This is not the only time that an angel comes to him. There are 3 times in the book of Matthew that an angel comes to Joseph and tells him what he needs to do. Each time the very next scripture states that Joseph gets up and immediately does what he is told, one time in the middle of the night.
How many times do we feel like we need to do something, or call someone, and we tell ourselves, "I'll do it tomorrow"?
By taking Mary as his wife, even though he had no relations with her until after she gave birth to Jesus, the people around him took that as his accepting the child as his. It was tantamount to a confession. Mary and Jesus were not the only ones who were mocked, Jesus was called the result of fornication by the pharisees, but Joseph surely was as well. Her family probably looked down on him as impatient and muttered about eating green grapes as he passed. His family probably blamed Mary. This might have been hard for him to take as well, it is obvious that he cared about Mary and had accepted his divine calling to raise the Messiah. To hear the slander against Mary would have been hard. But again, what a great example of righteousness. He willingly took the ridicule and was probably a great comfort to Mary as one of only 3 people that knew the true lineage of the child she bore.
As for the angelic visits, they are in and of themselves very significant. There are several instances of angels visiting people. In all the times of biblical angelic visitations all but 2 of them were to righteous people. Saul's conversion to Paul on the road to Damascus and all of Israel was chastised by an angel of the Lord. I am sure that the Holy Prophets had visitations frequently but they are only mentioned 1 time each for Daniel, Lot, Jacob, Abraham and Peter. Twice for Hagar and Samson's mother. The shepherds that were called as witnesses to the birth of Christ and the women that were witnesses of his Resurrection saw multiple angels. Joseph had at least 3 visits from angels, it was his righteousness and obedience that led to the additional visions. I personally think that he had at least 4 just because he didn't touch Mary until after Jesus was born. I personally would be terrified to and would need an angel to come and tell me it was ok to finally be married.
Joseph was not a wealthy man. Both he and Mary came from a very poor area. Where they lived is known for it's hard land. It is not easy to make a living there. Their poverty as a couple is documented in the NT and no I am not talking about when Christ was born. The fact that they stayed in a stable only says that they weren't rich enough to kick someone out of a room in the inn. My reference is from Luke 2. After the days of her purification were over, meaning 40 days (a girl child would be twice as long for purification) she went to offer the ritual sacrifice, a pair of turtledoves. Leviticus 12 explains the sacrifice and that the woman brings a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering and a turtledove for a sin offering. The bible does allow that if they are too poor to buy a lamb they may use two turtledoves instead. This had been the law since the time of Moses so they would have been saving money for the trip and the offerings. Joseph might have been counting on the year engagement to save up money. Instead, he finds out shortly after the betrothal that his fiancee is pregnant. To take on a child when you do not have a lot of money showed his trust in the Lord. Here was the Messiah, the son of Kings. People were expecting him to be a military leader, to be a wealthy man, and yet the Lord chose a humble, poor man to be his guardian. The timely gifts of the Magi were what allowed them to flee to Egypt and then return several years later.
Joseph taught Jesus both spiritual and temporal lessons. Jesus learned a lot by the Spirit but he also learned a lot from Joseph and Mary. Jesus was able to quote scriptures and expound on them. Alma 7:13 teaches us, "Now the Spirit ^aknoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the ^bflesh that he might ^ctake upon him the sins of his people" Jesus could have had all knowledge just given to him but he chose to learn the way we learn. Seeing how righteous Joseph and Mary were I am certain that they took the time to teach him as soon as he was old enough to understand. Like any of us with children we start teaching them as soon as they are born, sometimes even before they are born. We talk to them as if they can understand us (because they do), we sing to them, we read to them. I have friends who don't believe in God and therefore do not teach their children anything concerning God. I have a strong belief and have taught my daughter since she was small. She is only 8 but she knows who her Heavenly Father is and that she can turn to Him in times of need. She has also used my very words and scriptures to counsel and comfort me. We do not know much of Jesus's youth but by the time he was 12 he had a firm grasp on religious concepts and knew who his Father was. He loved and respected Joseph as was proper for his position, but both Mary and Joseph knew who his real Father was. When they went back to the temple for him Mary referred to Joseph as his father. Jesus gently reminded her that his Father had business for him to be doing. He knew who his Father was, which meant he knew who He was, all because Joseph had taught him scriptures and answered his questions. Joseph also taught him carpentry. It might have been while Jesus was sanding wood for his earthly guardian that they had spiritual talks as well.
Joseph's 4 sons eventually chose to follow Jesus as well. It took them a while and I can't really blame them. They had grown up with him, they had seen his perfect example. I personally think it would have been difficult to have such a perfect sibling. I am sure that Mary and Joseph tried not to compare their other children knowing Jesus's divine lineage, but it would be hard not to wonder why my older brother always did the right thing and no matter how hard I tried I still messed up. I think also it would be hard to watch your brother do everything right and then suddenly turn the world upside-down by declaring that he was the Messiah. That would be blasphemous to them. It would probably be especially hard for Judas who, according to biblical scholars, was studying to be a rabbi. Also possibly for James who was closest in age to him and had known him the longest. Joseph wasn't at liberty to explain why their brother did the things he did or the quiet reverence he showed Jesus. Jesus's divinity was declared at the Lord's timing. It must have been hard, as a parent we sometimes want to make things easier for our children, and I can see how it would have been easier for Joseph to just let the other kids know why their big brother was special and the things he would do. But ever obedient, Joseph just taught them to love the Lord and to study the scriptures. It was these teachings that eventually let them feel the spirit and be converted to their brother and accept him as their Savior.
Joseph's actions are only mentioned in the first one or two chapters of Matthew, Luke, and John. He isn't even mentioned by Mark. He is not mentioned anywhere else in the NT. He disappears from history. We know that he died before Jesus turned 30. Here again, another example of Jesus learning through doing rather than by the spirit alone. I don't know if Joseph knew he was going to die before Jesus, but because he did Jesus knows first hand the pain of losing a parent. He knows the pain of knowing you are going to be buried by a parent as well. Joseph was so important in the story of Jesus. He gave us so many examples of being righteous. He was given hard things to do and he did them immediately. He raised the man that became our Savior in a way that made it possible for him to become our Savior. I look at the way he obeyed, especially when he fled to Egypt. It says in Matthew 2:14 When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt... He didn't wait til morning, or a more convenient time, it doesn't say that he waited until the papyrus store was open so he could write a letter to his family, he got up, got his family and went, not knowing when he would come back. The angel just told him to stay in Egypt until the Lord let him know it was safe. I admire and respect this man. Such an amazing man, such a great example of righteous priesthood leadership, a man that as a parent I can look up to and emulate. Joseph was no ordinary man, truly he was one of the greatest of the sons of God.









1. Jewish Wedding Customs and the Bride of Messiah

Written by Glenn Kay

Addiction, recovery, and me

This is a hard blog for me to write. It has been hard to find the right words to say. My name is Kiersten and I am an addict. I am going to meetings for it. It is not the type of addiction most people think of when they hear about someone going to a 12 step program. I suffer from two food related disorders. I suffer from anorexia nervosa and emotional eating. Anorexia is often misunderstood, just because I don't look like a starving waif doesn't mean that I don't have the problem. For me it started in high school. I got my curves early and was teased by the other kids. I was called fat and ugly. I have blocked most of my elementary years from my memory it was so distressing. When I reached high school age I was responsible for making my own lunch. I would often tell my mom that I had but I never did. I would spend the lunch break walking around the campus so that no one would notice that I wasn't eating. When we had parties in classes it was pure torture. I was certain that everyone was watching me and thinking, "what is she eating that for, she is so fat!" I would frequently say that I wasn't hungry, or that I had just eaten whenever someone offered me food. The sad thing was that I wasn't fat. I was average size, perfectly normal, but I could still hear those childhood taunts. Anorexia is something that unfortunately sticks with you. It screwed up my metabolism and when I started eating "normally" again, the weight came on easily. My body was so used to storing every calorie that it got that eating the proper amount of calories sent me into a tailspin of weight gain that I was incapable of stopping. I would gain weight and then I would feel depressed, my marriages failing didn't help either. I turned to food, chocolate became my best friend. I would eat unhealthy food and then feel even worse about myself. I would beat myself up, no wonder my husband didn't love me, how could he love a whale? I would promise myself that I would do better the next day, No eating until I had lost the weight. I would skip breakfast and lunch but then by the time dinner came I was so fatigued and light headed that I would eat the first thing I could find. Being abused and starved in Mexico didn't help, sure I lost weight but my body went even further into it's hoarding mode. When I got back to the States, I was overwhelmed by how much food there was. I over-compensated for the months of starvation. I gained weight and knew I was unhealthy. I yo-yo dieted, did extreme diets, every pill you can imagine for weight loss I tried. They were all short term fixes and the weight always came back, and so did the emotional eating. Knowing that your body mass index is way too high and that you are considered morbidly obese is a difficult thing to face. All the childhood taunts of being fat and ugly would ring in my ears. However, I finally found a way of eating that I could stick to and that was healthy. I don't call it a diet, I call it a lifestyle change. The way of thinking though that accompanies anorexia and emotional eating doesn't go away when you change your habits. That is where the addiction recovery program comes into play. To be completely healed from the disorders that I have, I had to change my way of thinking. It's not about being beautiful and lovable, it's about being healthy. It's not about always being in control, it's about letting a higher power help. This step is particularly hard for me, oddly enough since I am such a spiritual person and believe that God directs my life, I want to be in charge and have things go the way I want them to. Emotional eating comes into play when I try to have that tight a hold on my life. When things go wrong, I feel like I have done something wrong, that I am not worthy of the things I want, and then chocolate becomes my best friend. But when I accept that a person who knows better than I is in charge, when things don't go the way I want them to I can let it go and trust God.
The addiction meetings are amazing. To listen to other people talk about the way they rationalize their behavior, and realize that they are my own excuses was eye opening. It helped me feel not alone, it also helped me accept that I do have a problem and I can't fix it by myself. It also helped me feel more compassion towards my ex-husband. He did a lot of bad things but he was also an addict. To listen to the people in my group talk about the family members they had alienated, the family members they had lost, all because of their addictions, made me realize that at some point my ex will come to the same realization. There was a lot of pain in the confessions that were said. I was moved to tears many times. The Spirit was so strong there it was amazing. There was a lot of love in that room, we entered as strangers and yet we were able to bare our souls and talk about our darkest moments. One man talked about how safe it was at the meetings, how even in places where we should be safe we put on a face and don't tell, but there it was safe. It was so true. I have never felt as safe opening up as I did in that room, it truly was a holy place for all of us there. I confessed things I have never felt safe enough to tell anyone. I knew they would understand and not judge me. It was very liberating. I also felt the presence of those who have passed on from our realm. To realize that family members that have passed away were there supporting their loved ones was humbling. The first meeting I went to I felt a little awkward. They were on step 8 of the 12 step program. I didn't even know what steps 1-7 were. As I was feeling awkward and out of place the thought from Elder Uchtdorf's talk popped into my head, "lift where you stand". It didn't matter that I didn't know the first steps, I would learn them eventually. The important thing was to start, to "stand {where I was} and lift." One of the themes I heard from other people was that of trying to do it on their own. I am guilty of this a lot. I think that as a woman and as a single mom I should be strong enough to do this on my own. Ether has a different idea about this though. He tells us that the Lord gave us all specific weaknesses, weaknesses designed for us individually. Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I was wondering how I could make this weakness a strength, well, how the Lord could make it a strength. Going to these meetings has been humbling, and that is one of the key requirements in turning it into a strength. I think that the Lord gave me this particular weakness so that once I (through His help) got through it, I could help others. I have a loud voice and I have much compassion. I think the Lord uses those two strengths of mine to help His other children. This blog post is about turning my weakness into a strength. It is hard for me to admit my failings, my weaknesses. Satan is really good at making me feel like I should be strong all the time, that people that I love and admire will look down on me if I admit that I have a problem. I hope that admitting that I have this problem and am getting help for it will help others in a similar situation. It's ok to be weak, it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to make mistakes. The atonement of our Lord, Jesus Christ covers all of that. It covers our weaknesses, it covers our mistakes, it heals our wounds. Maybe having a food addiction isn't a great sin, but it does still cause a lot of hurt and shame. The atonement helps erase those feelings. The Saviour didn't just suffer for the wrong things we do, He suffered for every hurt, every illness we will ever face. His atonement can help me overcome this weakness. His atonement in effect in my life right now causes me to feel compassion for others, makes me want to help others, makes me not ashamed to write this blog and share it with others.
The people in the meetings also talked about the great amount of love that they felt in the meetings. Being able to talk about their problems with people that understand helped relieve a burden and helped them be able to feel the Lord's love for them. Life is hard and sad sometimes but there is also great happiness and love. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we all felt uplifted and loved. It has been an amazing journey. I am grateful that the Lord has not only shown me this weakness but provided a way to overcome and given a purpose for it.

I will give away all my sins

At church yesterday a lady gave an amazing talk. She was talking about her favorite Book of Mormon stories. The first one was from 1st Nephi, chapter 3. She talked about how the 4 sons of Lehi were returning to Jerusalem for the sacred records. Once they get there they draw lots to see who will go. It falls to the oldest son Laman. He goes and talks to Laban and gets threatened with death. He returns to his brothers ready to go back to their father in the wilderness. Nephi told them "As the Lord liveth, and as we live, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which the Lord hath commanded us. Wherefore, let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord." He understood that just because the Lord gives a commandment, it doesn't mean that it will be quick or easy. He was willing to take the time it took to do what the Lord asked. In fact it took a total of three tries and some deep soul searching for him to accomplish that which the Lord had commanded. Her next story was in Alma, chapters 20 and 22. Ammon had converted King Lamoni and most of his people. King Lamoni was supposed to go to a great feast held by the king of all the land, his father. He didn't go and later ran into his father on the road with Ammon to free Ammon's brother and brethren. Understandable the father was furious; his son not only refused a royal order, but was also traveling with his "sworn enemy" to free more of their mortal enemies. He drew his sword and tried to kill Ammon. Because the Lord had promised King Mosiah that his son's would be safe, the old king had no luck in subduing Ammon. In fact Ammon hit him with the sword in such a way that disabled him. He realized he could die and pleaded with Ammon "If thou wilt spare me I will grant unto thee whatsoever thou wilt ask, even to half of the kingdom." Ammon didn't want half the kingdom, he had already refused the whole of his own kingdom, he just wanted his brethren freed and King Lamoni to be free to worship as he chose. King Lamoni's father of course agreed to those conditions and was so intrigued by Ammon, a Nephite who wasn't acting anything like the king believed Nephite's should act. He had been raised on false traditions and wanted to know more about Ammon. It was Aaron who went to the king and taught him the gospel. The king had a great question for Aaron "What shall I do that I may have this eternal life of which thou hast spoken? Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I may not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy." Aaron told him to pray and repent. I love the king's prayer "O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, and that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day." The king was willing to give up half his kingdom to save his life, but he was willing to give up his entire kingdom to save his soul. He was willing to give away all his sins as well. Not just the major ones, like not killing Nephite's anymore, but even the little ones. I know that I have my favorite sins that I have a hard time letting go of, I even try to rationalize them sometimes, "well it's not like I am killing anyone or being anti-Christ so it isn't that bad, right?" Every single little sin he was willing to give up. Combining these two stories there is a great lesson. We need to be able to give up everything for the Lord, and just because we have done that, it doesn't mean that life will be easy or that the things we need to do will be accomplished quickly. Following the Lord is not always easy; there are times we have to try at something over and over again. There are times when the path to where the Lord has asked us to go is not clear to our mortal eyes. There are times of deep soul searching, even times when we “shrink and would that we might not” have to do what the Lord asks of us. There have been nights where I have cried in the anguish of my soul, “Lord, do I really have to go through this?” There have been nights where I pleaded in confusion, “Lord where in the path I should be on? I cannot see it.” Every time I have prayed the Lord has tenderly answered.The answer, “Yes, my child, you do need to go through this. Trust me” has come on many occasions. The path is not always shown to me, in fact I was told to just trust one step at a time.  I know I am not as righteous as Nephi or King Lamoni’s father, but I know that I am blessed for my efforts. I know that as long as I keep moving forward and trusting the Lord that I will receive the blessings that these great men received, the blessings of peace and comfort, the blessing of knowing that the Lord looks out for me in all my trials. I am grateful for the examples of these great men. I honestly hope that I get to meet them one day.

Of death and dying: Thoughts on suicide

Glee the other day really got me thinking. One of the story-lines was about David Karofsky, a jock who bullied Kurt the openly gay teen on the show. Last season it was shown that the reason he was so antagonistic to Kurt was because he was attracted to Kurt and wasn't ready to admit it. It got out that he was also gay and he himself became the bullied. On tonight's episode there was a lot of bullying and he went to his room. As he cried and looked at his stuff I saw a look on his face that I recognized. The look of utter despair, complete hopelessness. I have felt that in my own life. I knew where the plot line was going, I gasped at the TV and said out loud, "he is going to kill himself." The show handled it very well and very real. This touched me for two reasons; my former stepson, who I claim as my child, is gay; also I have thought about suicide a few times. I never did anything serious but I was a cutter, which I guess actually is rather serious. I would use pins and pocket knives. I would carve words into my thigh just above my shorts hemline so no one could see them. I would also carve words or cut lines in my wrists underneath my watch band. I never went deep enough to be in any danger or leave scars but I did go deep enough to draw blood and to create injuries that would hurt for several days. I thought doing this would somehow relieve the internal emotional pain I was going through. My life was awesome, I was spoiled, middle class, white and a girl, I pretty much had the world handed to me on a platter. So where were these dark thoughts coming from? As I got older different thoughts came, turning slightly into the big rig passing me, stepping off the balcony etc. So why am I telling you all these things? I am not looking for pity or concern. I want you to know that I have looked into the darkness and come out the other side. I want you to know that no matter how dark it gets the sun always rises! I have come to realize that anytime I have those dark thoughts it is because a dark force is whispering them to me, because Satan hates me and is trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential.
I wanted to share this so that anyone else feeling like they are the only one who is hurting, that no one understands, or that life isn't worth living, to know that it isn't true. I am here. I understand and I care. Life is so amazingly beautiful! I love my life right now, it is not perfect, it is not easy, but I have so much joy in my life, so much love.
I also wanted people to realize that just because someone seems to have everything and seems happy, they might not be. I know that many times I was brought back to reality, brought out of the dark haze by a friend or family member who had a feeling that they should call me or stop by and see me. So, if you feel like you need to check in on someone, don't delay, they may be in a lonely dark place and you may be God's angel to help them return to the light.
Depression is real, pain is real, suicide is hard for those that are left. Be an angel to someone you love. And if you are in that dark place, message me, I will always be here and I will always care.
I love you all so very much :)

Opening our hearts to love

It was Valentine's day recently. Love has been the topic of the day. In general I resist love as I feel it makes me weak, trusting someone else with my heart is not an easy task, even when the person asking for my heart is God Himself. At church the other day, as people were giving their talks, this simple and yet profound thought came into my head, "We need to open our hearts to love, we need to be vulnerable. We need to not worry about our hearts being broken for two very important reasons - first, the Lord requires of us a broken heart and a contrite spirit and second, there is no heartache that the Lord cannot heal. All the greatest blessing in history came from people being willing to risk everything, including heartache, to do the Lord's will." I made a decision at that moment. I decided that I would stop struggling against my heart, even promptings that I was receiving, and open my heart to love and to possible heartbreak. A very surprising thing happened when I did that. I found that I felt incredibly vulnerable and it was scary. I had always been hard, maybe a little too hard, I needed to be I thought. To get through everything I had gotten through, I built a strong shell. I was used to being strong, used to not letting anyone in. Being vulnerable by choice was very strange. I felt like I could feel the wind rushing past my heart, like my chest was open and my heart was just there, exposed to the elements. I must confess, I did touch my chest just to make sure my heart wasn't exposed and about to fall out, I felt like a dork afterwards :) Then an amazing thing happened, another wall was put in place, but not my wall, a soft wall and a voice promising me that He would take care of my heart. I thought for a moment that everything would be pie after that. Not so much, opening my heart and putting all my trust in the Lord was a little more than Satan could stand. The attacks started shortly after that decision. Doubts and fears crept into my mind and as I prayed for strength and faith, the attacks got more vicious. I do not doubt that the devil is a very real being, with vast knowledge, millennia of experience and an eternal hatred of those that choose righteousness. Dark thoughts that were not my own popped into my head unbidden. I would frequently feel a dark, malicious force near me. Sometimes the darkness was so thick I could feel it, surrounding me like a wet blanket, making it hard to breathe. It was scary at times. Last night I was having a discussion with my Heavenly Father, discussing the fact that every night since I had made that decision I had gone to bed with a broken heart, and every morning He bound up that heart and gave me hope for the new day. It has not been easy, and there have been times I have been like Lehi when Nephi's bow broke. The Lord knows I trust Him, but that didn't stop me from complaining. I am working on that :/. As we discussed what opening the heart to love looked like several thoughts and scriptures came to my mind. Opening my heart meant praying more fervently for those that had hurt me or people I cared about. I used to pray for my ex husband and his family but hadn't done so in a while. All this week with renewed determination I prayed that the men that abused me in the past would find their way to the Savior and His healing love. I prayed for friends and their families, I prayed for the ex-spouses of friends, people that I have never met. I prayed that the Lord would bind up the broken hearts of those I love. I came to realize how important two scriptures are, they really need to be read together. The first one is not really all that clear by itself. Galatians 5:14 14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  Now my problem with this particular scripture is that some people are a little too much in love with themselves, to the exclusion of all others. Some people do not love themselves at all, so loving their neighbor as themselves means demeaning them and hurting them, as they do to themselves. That scripture needs to be read with this one: John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. The commandment is to love others as God loves us. If then, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, and love others as God loves us, we must also love ourselves as God loves us. We are His children. If we are to reach our full potential we must accept that and love ourselves as children of God. We must first love ourselves to be able to then share that love with others. I found that as I accepted myself, my vulnerability, and potential heartbreak my prayers became more kind and loving, my actions towards others was more gentle. I prayed with true intent for people that I had never met before, people I never thought I would be praying for. People who, by the world's standard, deserve every bit of bitterness and anger I have. And yet, out of love, I was praying for them to be healed, even as I was healed. Opening your heart is scary, Satan knows that the best way to keep our hearts closed is to play on those fears. He played on my fears a lot these past weeks. However, the Lord is stronger. He loves us beyond measure and if our hearts are broken, He can heal them. Opening my heart to love has made me a better person, a better friend, a better mother. I don't know where this path is leading to, but I trust the one showing the way. The King of Love, my Shepard is. His goodness faileth never.

Nephi's Journey, My Journey

I was reading in 1st Nephi the other day. We are told that we should "Liken the scriptures unto ourselves" so I started thinking about how the scriptures I was reading could be likened unto my life. I happened to be reading 1st Nephi chapter 2. In this chapter the Lord commands Lehi and his family to leave everything behind and travel into the wilderness. Lehi left his job, his home, his inheritance, everything except for what was needed for the trip. I started to think about all the other things they left behind that aren't mentioned, I never thought much about what Laman and Lemuel were leaving behind except for wealth. They were in Jerusalem 600 BC. I find it highly unlikely that Lehi or Sariah were only children. In fact it is much more probable that there was much family that was left behind. Uncles, Aunt's cousins, grandparents, friends also would have been left behind. I think it would be hard to be told that someone you had loved you whole life was going to be destroyed because they were being wicked. They then go out into the desert and only return briefly twice for scriptures and wives. They end up in the wilderness for 8 years where they suffer much frustration, trials, hunger and pain. As I read these chapters I had a sudden understanding of how this related to my life right now. First I want to say that I do not have evil, murmuring brothers. My brothers and brothers-in-law all really rock and I love them more than words can express. My journey has been about 8 years, just a little jumbled in the order that things happened. I was inactive, married to a drug dealer (not by choice) and pregnant. An angel of the Lord visited Laman and Lemuel to let them know that they needed to change their course in life, likewise I was visited by angels of the human kind who helped me get my life back on track. Having the Lord guide your life does not mean that there won't be suffering, and as Nephi suffered at the hands of his beloved family, I also suffered abuse at the hands of him who had promised to love and cherish me. Like Nephi I turned to the Lord and was eventually freed from my bonds. When I got to CA I thought I was done with my journey, but the Lord had other plans. The family of Nephi ended up for a little while in a beautiful place they named Bountiful. Santa Rosa was my Bountiful, as beautiful as it is, it is not where the Lord has in mind for me to receive all the blessings He has in store for me. One day in September I was in church listening to a talk when all of the sudden I was struck by a prompting so simple and yet life changing. I needed to quit my job and move out to Utah even though I had no job lined up. Now I did not leave behind great wealth, but I was making 30k+ a year and that was sufficient to live decently. It was really hard to leave my family. I did not worry that they would be destroyed, but I knew that with my limited resources the chances of me seeing them again any time soon were slim. Leaving my friends behind was hard too, I still feel it's sting even though I have made wonderful friends here. I drove through the desert and ended up in Provo, not where I expected to be but time and again the Lord has shown me His wisdom in the place that I have been led to. The journey didn't have to be as long as it was, as evidenced by the Jaredite journey being a different length, but it was the length that the family of Nephi needed. I am certain that my journey could have been shorter if I had been more obedient in the earlier years of my journey. Every persons journey to the promised land is full of trials and blessings, learning experiences and peaceful oases. Nephi's journey was filled with much sorrow, his brothers rebellion, death of loved ones. My journey has been filled with sorrow at the poor choices of people I care about and death of loved ones. Nephi's journey was also filled with love and rejoicing, reminders of the Lords love and finally the promised land. My journey as well has been filled with much love and rejoicing. To know that the Lord of all creation looks after me is astounding. He knows the name of every star, and yet takes the time on a daily basis, and sometimes even a minutely basis to let me know that He is aware of my struggles, that He knows the path and to remind me that if I follow His plan, I too will reach the promised land. I am grateful to know that the Lord looks over me and my daughter. I am grateful to see His hand in my life.

In the shadow of the Mountains

So I am officially moved into Provo. I got here on Friday. I actually live right on the ward boundary so Friday I was calling the Bishop of the Provo Peak 7th ward to get help with the moving in bit. I found out Saturday that I actually lived in a different ward and was given the phone number of that bishop. I called and left a message, a little worried because my dad was going to be arriving in a few hours. My daughter and I went walking, the first church building that I thought we were going to be going to is just two blocks from our house. Of course that isn't our church building, we are at one that is eight blocks away - welcome to Utah. As we got closer to that one I was slightly confused, there were a lot of cars in the parking lot and the windows were stained glass. My daughter said, I bet this is our church. I told her that I didn't think it was because we don't use stained glass in our buildings, but as we went around to the front there was the sign The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It had two wards listed on the outside of the building but neither of them were the one we were told we were in. I walked in and started speaking to a man in the foyer. He let me know that I was in the right place and that he was my Bishop. He called the Elders Quorum president and in a little over two hours I had five strangers at my house helping me move my stuff in. My uncle, two cousins and my sister also came to help. Sunday morning after talking to my mom I misplaced my cell phone. I didn't realize that I didn't have it until I thought to turn the ringer off at church. Church was interesting, I have never been in a building like it before, beautiful stained glass windows, stone walls, it was also packed full of people. I was a little nervous about getting lost in such a large crowd. So many people talked to me that I feel a little bad that I don't remember their names. After church all the new people in the ward met with the bishop. There was about 9 of us. After talking to us and hearing a little bit of our stories, the bishop said a prayer. He prayed for each one of us by name and according to our circumstances. I have always known that we are prayed for by those who are called as stewards over us, but I always thought it was more like a general blanket "please bless those that I am called to serve" type prayer. To actually hear my bishop saying my name and my personal circumstances and needs in a prayer was pretty amazing. I was not just a nameless ward member, he knew my name even though we had barely met the day before and he understood my circumstances. Not only did he pray for me to find employment, but he prayed that I would find the reason for me being called out to Utah. After church we dashed home to see if I could find my phone. I couldn't so I couldn't even call my uncle to let him know we might be a little late. We left for their house praying that I wouldn't get lost, as I had gotten lost three time on Friday; going to meet the landlord, going to my sister's house and returning home. I tried to follow my uncle's instructions but still managed to get lost. My GPS system stopped working in mid-Nevada so I was more than a little scared as I was driving in unknown territory. I prayed that somehow I would find a sign or some way to direct me to my uncle's town. I felt like maybe I should try my GPS. It turned on and in 15 minutes I was at my uncle's door, not before turning the wrong way on a street one last time. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck, frustration, fear, gratitude and relief all mixed together and I sat in my car for a few minutes to compose myself. Not that that did any good, as soon as I was inside the house my sister and my father both noticed that I was upset and asked me what was wrong, which set me crying again. My cousin's husband, who I had never met before that day, got me a glass of ice water and took my daughter to get her plate ready. It was hard to not cry at the kindness of someone who, although technically is family, was still a complete stranger to me. It was wonderful to be with family and getting home was a lot easier this time. Things have still been hard, money has been really tight, but for every tough thing there has been something amazing too. I was lamenting the fact that I had miscalculated money to my older sister and then she turns around and hands me a $100 gift card. I have been to the Provo temple twice since I got here and both times I have felt the Spirit so strongly, the first time was so strong it brought me to tears and I was unable to speak for a moment. Before I left Santa Rosa, my older brother blessed me to be aware of the Spirits; those that went before me to prepare the way, those that went beside me to support me and those that went behind to provide protection. I have felt them many times and have been moved to tears at some of the most random times. He also mentioned the fiery darts of the adversary, which I have also felt very strongly since getting out here. It has been hard but I have faith that the Lord has a reason for it all. Living in the shadow of the mountain is interesting, having these towering walls all around me makes me feel safe. Living in the shadow of the Mountain of the Lord's House has been a blessing, even in it's brevity. I love living so close to the temple. I love being able to drop my daughter off at school and drive 5 minutes and be there, in that peaceful sacred place. I do not know why the Lord has sent me here at this time, but I am grateful for the blessings I have received for coming out here. I do miss my family and friends that I left in Cali, but I know that the Lord will watch over them until my return. I know He will watch over me and my daughter as He has been. I know that someday all of this will make sense. For now I will live in the shadow of the two mountains, the physical one that reminds me of the strength of the Lord and the Spiritual one that reminds me of the promises of the Lord.
The Lord is faithful :)

How I know there is a God.

I have been thinking about the things I know and believe lately. There are people that say with all the bad things happening in the world there can't be a god because an all powerful god would not allow such things to happen.
So why do I have such a strong conviction that there is a God? Because I have seen His hand in my life. I was in a really bad situation once, one that I couldn't get out of by myself. I was quite literally a prisoner to someone elses bad choices. I prayed a lot during that time. It was very hard, but every day I felt strength and encouragement and was able to make it through that day. One day I reached the end of my strength, I prayed for a way out and the very next day the first in a series of miracles happened. Miracles that got me out of a foreign country and back to the loving arms of my parents. There were times when I felt an assurance and sense of peace that came from outside of myself. At those times I knew that God had sent His angels to watch over me. As I strive to do things that are right I see changes in my life. Changes that bring me great happiness, changes that make my life and my daughter's life better.
So why do bad things happen to people? The Lord, as much as it pains Him, allows us to decide for ourselves if we want to believe in Him and follow His commandments. He even allows other people to hurt us, is that is their choice. The devil would have us believe that God is powerless and that is why he does nothing. The devil is a cunning liar. Someday there will be an accounting of all the actions that we have done. It's hard sometimes to turn over the hurt and the anger to the Lord. There are times when I would like to see bad people punished for what they have done, but the Lord has told us that vengeance is His and He will repay.
My dad is awesome, when I have to make a choice, whether is be getting a new car, moving or getting a new job, my dad will talk to me, give me his advice and opinion and then back off and let me make the decision myself. Sure I have gone contrary to his advice, I have disappointed him, but every time I need him, he is there. God is our Heavenly Father, He loves us very much. And even when we disappoint Him, He will always be there when we turn to Him. Just like any parent at some point has to let go and let their children make their own mistakes, so God lets go and allows us to make our own choices, it is because He loves and trusts us enough to make the right choice. Even when we do mess up, He is there offering forgiveness and redemption.
I know that God lives, I know He loves me. I know that if I turn to Him, amid the chaos and sadness of this life, I can have peace. I can have joy even when things go wrong. It also helps me be more kind to others, knowing that they are precious to God. I wish I could help everyone understand that. Maybe once we start loving everyone else as they truly are, as children of God, we will have world peace.

To you, my reader, I want you to know that I love you. I know who you truly are. You are a child of a loving and merciful God. He loves you more than you can comprehend. If you do not have this knowledge for yourself I invite you to seek Him out, for He is eager to have you talk to Him. If you do not know how to do that, just ask me. I would be happy to help you. He is the source of all good and of true happiness.
♫ I know He lives. I will follow faithfully. My heart I give to Him. I know my Heavenly Father loves me! ♫

Placentero Nos es Trabajar

I just sang a song this past Sunday called Placentero Nos es Trabajar. I sang it with the missionaries at my church, on of whom gets off her mission today and goes back home. It is a beautiful song and was a moving experience for me. The story behind it is pretty amazing.  Here are the lyrics, in Spanish and a rough translation into English (there is an English song called In the Sweet by and by, that this melody was taken from)

1. Placentero nos es trabajar en la viña del gran Rey Jesús, y honroso nos es predicar a Su pueblo, Su ley y Su Luz. Por Su luz, por Su luz, placentero nos es trabajar. Por Su luz, por Su luz, moriremos en El sin pesar.

2. La palabra de Dios escuchad con ahínco, lealtad, y fervor. Para siempre jamás recordad Su pureza, verdad, y amor. Con amor, con amor, la palabra de Dios escuchad. Con amor, con amor, la bandera de Dios empuñad.

3. ¡Oh hermanos, adiós, pues, adiós! El momento de ir vino ya. Si guardamos la fe en el gran Dios, nos veremos aun más allá, Más allá, más allá, ¡Oh hermanos, adios, pues adios!  Más allá, más allá, moraremos con Dios en amor.

It is pleasant for us to work
In the vineyard of the great God Jesus
And honorable for us to to preach
To His people, His law and His light.
By His light, by His light,
It is pleasant for us to work.
By His light, by His light,
We will die in Him without sadness.

Hear the Word of God
With eagerness, loyalty and fervor.
Forever and always remember
His purity, truth, and love.
With love, with love,
Hear the Word of God.
With love, with love,
Bear the flag of God.

Oh, brothers! Good-by, then Good-bye!
The moment to leave has come.
If we keep the faith in the great God,
We will yet see each other far Beyond.
Far Beyond, far Beyond,
O, brothers! Good-by, then Good-by!
Far Beyond, far Beyond,
We will live with God in love.

Clate W. Mask, Jr., of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, loves to tell how his grandfather, Andrés C. González, came to write this song. The story goes like this:

Andrés C. González was a schoolmaster’s son, and was one of the first called to serve a mission in Mexico City during the revolutionary era. Preaching on a street corner, he and his companion thought they could attract more attention by singing the popular Protestant hymn, “In the Sweet By and By.” Instead, they attracted the attention of the police, who jailed them for “stealing” the Protestants’ song.

Unable to sleep in the jail, Elder González wrote “Mormon” lyrics to the song. Back on the street corner after being released, the Elders sang “Placentero,” with the new words. The police were ready to haul them back to jail, but Elder Gonzalez exclaimed, "You can't take us to jail. It's not the same song."

Another time, federal soldiers accused him and his companion of being spies and threatened to shoot them on the spot. Convinced they were about to die, Elder González took a lesson from the great Book of Mormon missionary, Abinadi. Remembering how Abinadi gained his reprieve so he could preach to the King, Elder González told the federales, “You can’t kill us yet, we have a message for your Presidente which we have not yet delivered.”

The soldiers were sceptical, but eventually took Elder González to see the President of Mexico. On learning Elder González’ identity, the Presidente told him, “Your father was my favorite teacher.” He and his companion gave the president a Book of Mormon and taught him for two hours. He pardoned the two missionaries, and at Elder González’ request, proclaimed that the Mormons could preach the Gospel freely throughout Mexico without harassment. This was the beginning of the hugely successful LDS missionary movement in Mexico.
In those days, teaching the gospel there was extremely difficult. Today there are 12 temples and 199 stakes in Mexico.

I think of the last blog I wrote, about Esther, and this one about Elder González. Both of them risked their lives for the truth. There are many stories about martyrs as well. Brave men and women. Sometimes I think I must not be brave because I have never been asked to face death for the Lord, but then I realize that sometimes living for God is a greater challenge. I do not have to stand in front of a firing squad, but I am still out there, facing a world where morality is out of fashion. Religion has been called a crutch for the feeble minded, if you claim to believe in a god, people call you superstitious or uneducated. I am not superstitious, I walk under ladders, have broken more mirrors than I can recall and love black cats. I am also not uneducated. I have a couple years of college to my credit plus lessons learned in the school of hard knocks. The more I learn, the more I realize that I really need God in my life. Sometimes it is a little scary to stand up in front of a group of people I don't know and talk about my belief in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but I know that They are real. I know that if we let Them work in our lives, we will be better people for it. I will end this particular post with some scriptures from some of my most favorite missionaries of all time Ammon and Alma. Alma 26 is Ammon speaking and Alma 29 is Alma :)

Alma 26: 8 Blessed be the name of our God; let us sing to his praise, yea, let us give thanks to his holy name, for he doth work righteousness forever... I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

 12Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

14Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed [us] from the chains of hell.

16Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.

Alma 29: 1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

 2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

And if I perish, I perish

I love the story of Esther, as an incurable romantic what's not to love? You have a beautiful queen, a cunning villain, a noble king and a righteous prophet/scribe. There is adventure, romance, palace intrigue, danger, murder plots and revenge. It reads almost like a Hollywood movie, but it is a true story. As has always been the case throughout history, the Jews had enemies, people that wanted to destroy the Covenant people of God. This time it happened to be in Persia. The King had a beautiful wife and after several days of partying he sent for her. Now the queen refused to come, we aren't really told why. The king being angry appealed to the princes and was told that law decreed that she be relieved of her crown. A proclamation was sent out that all virgins would be brought to the palace where after a year of purification the king would see them for a night and then decide if he wanted her to be the queen.
For Hadassah, a Jewish orphan raised by her father's nephew, it must have been a time of excitement and also fear. There must have been doubts in her mind as she wondered how she would live Jewish law in the palace. After the one night with the king, all the women were sent to the second house of women only to see the king if he called for her, so pretty much all the girls that were rounded up became concubines. Mordecai charged her to not reveal that she was a Jew, so when she was picked up she went by the Persian name Esther. She kept the law in her heart. She was very beautiful but very kind and soon won over the hearts of the people she was with on a daily basis, much like Joseph who was sold into Egypt. When the time came for the one night with the king, the candidates were allowed to take whatever they wanted to adorn themselves, jewelry, clothing etc. Esther in a very wise move asked the head chamberlain for advice and went before the king with only the things Hegai recommended.
Esther was chosen to be the new queen and the kingdom celebrated. Several more interesting things happen which lead up to an extermination order being sent out against the Jews by Haman, an Agagite - long-time enemies of the Jews on account of the Jews pretty much destroying their people and culture.
Esther was asked by her Uncle to go before the king. She responded that he hadn't called for her in over a month and that to go before the king unasked for could result in death. It all really depended on the mood of the king. If he raised his golden scepter the "offender" was allowed to live and approach him, if he didn't the person quickly lost their head.

13 Then Mordecai commanded to answer Esther, Think not with thyself that thou shalt escape in the king’s house, more than all the Jews.

14 For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time, then shall there enlargement and deliverance arise to the Jews from another place; but thou and thy father’s house shall be destroyed: and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?

15 Then Esther bade them return Mordecai this answer,

16 Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish.

Esther had to choose between two deaths. The physical death that would come if the king was displeased with her, or the spiritual death that would come if she did not speak up for what she knew was right. Esther does go before the king and he raises his scepter and agrees to have dinner with her in her chambers. Haman is invited as well and feels pretty proud of being invited to a dinner with just the royal couple. His pride turned to sorrow when he realized that Esther was not Esther the Persian, but Hadassah the Jew. The Jews were given permission to fight back and take the property of their attackers and Haman and his 10 sons were all killed.
I own a movie called "One night with the King". It is a fictionalized version of the story of Esther. I really like the scene where she confronts Haman before the king. She stands and says that she is not Esther, but Hadassah. "Hadassah Bat-Abihail, daughter of the tribe of Benjamin, child of the Most High God!" I love the calm confidence she has as she states who she is. She knows where she came from, and when you know that you can be confidant about where you are going.
Esther is my heroine for multiple reasons. She consistently followed her priesthood leader in all things he directed her. When faced with a serious situation she asked for prayers and fasts on her behalf and also did those things herself. She was beautiful but didn't use that as an excuse to be mean or petty.
Her statement, "If I perish, I perish" to me shows her reliance on the Lord. She knew it was a definite possibility, and yet she still did what was right. It would have been easy to hide, to continue to be Esther, queen of Persia. She took the harder path and is still to this day honored among Jews.
We don't always know why we are put in the situations we are put in. Mordecai was wise in saying "who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" We need to be examples wherever we are. We may not save a nation, but we never know. I hope that I can be like her, that when my turn comes to stand before the world to declare who I am, I can say with the same confidence, "I am Kiersten, daughter of the Tribe of Joseph, child of the Most High God!"

I will wait on the Lord

There is a movie that I absolutely love called The Testaments: Of one fold and one Shepherd. It is a story of a family in the ancient Americas and what happens in their lives as the Savior is going about his ministry in Israel. There is a scene where the father of the family is testifying at a trial. He says, "I have waited for the Messiah my whole life, and I will wait a while longer." That thought has been running through my mind a lot today. Being the nerdy self I am I decided to look up "wait on the Lord" in the scriptures. There are over 40 scriptures that have that combination of words. So then I got to thinking, what does it mean to wait on the Lord? In the index one of the other words to look at was "watch". There are about another 20 scriptures that talk about watching for the Lord. As I was reading the verses that came up in my search I noticed a theme. The world was clamoring for attention, sometimes calling the people waiting foolish. Sometimes there were outright attacks on the people waiting or watching for the Lord. These people were faithful, sure sometimes they messed up, but they always repented and continued the watch.

I look at my life, it isn't quite what I would like it to be, and I mess up more than I would like to admit, but every time I repent and return to the wait, life is better. There are time when the enemy of my soul tries to get me to think that the Lord has forgotten me or forgotten His promises to me. In fact, a situation like that came up for me late last week and into the early part of this week. I had serious doubts about the path I was on. But then, like He always does, the Lord parted the clouds and helped me see that He is always there.

I am not a patient person in general, so waiting is not really my strong point and Satan knows that very well. We live in an instant gratification society, we have on demand movies, we have high speed internet, instant messaging, instant soup, fast food. And still the Lord asks us to wait. Waiting is hard, but it teaches us discipline, it really helps teach and reinforce faith.

So like Helam in the movie, and people in the scriptures, I will wait on the Lord. And when I mess up and get impatient I will use the wonderful gift of the atonement to repent and start fresh.

The Joys of the Gospel

I was talking to my friend this morning. We are both very happy after having wonderful weekends. We were reflecting back on the stressful weeks that we have had recently and how much we needed the weekends that we had.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me - I'm gonna be grinning for days. I am happy even though it's Monday lol

How's your day going?

Her - It’s great!!! I’m super happy today

Me - We deserve great days

I am glad you are happy

Her - for some reason I can’t stop smiling either

I think cuz the weekend was great

and I help you and god is awesome

and I love you and him

Me - I love you both so very much too

God is awesome, I agree!!

Waiting is so hard but God sure knows how to make it really worth it

So what was so great about the weekend? Let me tell you...

Friday night I left work, took my daughter for a sleepover and headed to my friend Jeff's house. Jeff is practically part of our family. He was my brothers best man at his wedding and he is dating my dear friend Pamela. They are planning a trip to Disneyland so as a way to raise money he was offering an hour long massage for only $30. As he was giving me the massage we talked, it was really nice because I have had so much stress lately so to have the physical knots worked out while we caught up was great. Afterwards I went home and talked to a dear friend online for a little bit and watched movies with my roommate. I went to bed and slept soundly for the first time in forever. I woke up early and alert and got ready to go to the Temple in Oakland with my sister. I drove and we had a great drive talking and laughing with each other. I took the wrong freeway in that confusing tangle of on and off-ramps and we ended up getting a little lost. However we arrived just in time for the 10 AM session. We each had specific things on our minds when we went, and I felt like we got answers meant just for us. It was so nice to leave the hustle and bustle of the world behind and just focus on our relationship with God. We left there too soon, it's always too soon to go back into the world :/ I had to get some things for Sunday and pick up my child. We were told to wear solid color tops for the choir, and no black or white. I picked out a purple shirt but had to buy purple ribbon to put on my skirt because that is the goofy kind of thing I do. I have this great black skirt that I love, and I decided one day to run a bright ribbon through the hem of it and color coordinate it with whatever top I happened to be wearing. It always looks really cute and since this was kind of a big deal I thought it would be perfect. My sister was generous enough to take me out to lunch and then we went shopping. Normally when I go to the temple, as soon as I come out Satan bombards me with negativity. The tender mercies of the Lord were very apparent to me as my peace and calmness lasted all the rest of the day. I picked up my daughter and went home to put together my skirt. As I was doing that the Sister missionaries called me to let me know that the baptism they wanted me to sing at was on Sunday at 2 and that they had a piano player for me. They let me know that there was also a baptism that night for two boys I have known since they were born. We went and were pleased to see a friend who we haven't seen for a few weeks. He was here for the conference and had been translating that day and would be translating again at the conference. I was asked to conduct the music which I was more than happy to do. The baptism was really nice and afterwards we mingled and caught up with various people that we haven't seen in a while. When I got home and started sewing my friend called me and asked if they could come visit us. We talked about what was going on in life and she invited me over to stay the night at her house, that way the girls could have a sleepover and she would do my hair and make-up for the conference. We ended up staying up until 1 AM talking and painting our nails and giggling, it felt like being a carefree teenager again. The next morning we got up and she made me pretty :)

Conference was pretty much amazing. After the choir practiced our songs I went to visit with the missionaries while we waited for choir to start. As I was standing with them the General Authorities came out of the Stake Presidents office and shook every ones hands. I shook hands with Elder Packer, our area 70, Elder Ardern from the 1st quorum of the 70 (who is from New Zealand and has an awesome accent) and Elder Andersen of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles and his lovely wife. I noticed my friend Michael hovering around and I wondered if they had asked him to do security. I'll get back to that a little later.

The choir started the conference by singing Teach me to walk in the Light, accompanied by a small children's quartet.

Our stake president, President Bingham was the first speaker. Several weeks ago I had been talking to my father about how I felt that I would not receive the blessings the Lord had promised me because I had screwed up in my past. He assured me that the Lord always keeps his promises as long as we are being righteous. President Bingham talked about how we should strive to be consecrated members of the Lord's church, not just active members. Then he said, It is never too late to become what you should have been. I felt peace at that statement, I didn't need to worry about my past, I could still become the woman I wanted to be as a young girl.

Elder Ardern spoke next. He talked about his lovely wife. He spoke about dating her when he was a teenager and when he was talking about marriage, she spoke of missions. He encouraged us to become the missionaries the Lord expects us to be. He especially encouraged young women to encourage the young men in their lives just as his wife had for him. He talked about the example she set of daily scripture study and prayer and how blessed his family was for her example. He talked of marriage and that successful marriages take work. He said, "young women, one day a young man will ask you to marry him. You might think it will never happen, it will." I was thinking of my sister at this point, knowing that she needed to hear this as she has been feeling somewhat discouraged lately. She told me later that night that when he said those words he was looking right at her.

Elder Packer spoke, and he also talked of his wife and how she set the example in his home. He talked about families that had amazing missionary experiences and that the reason they had such wonderful experiences is because they prayed daily to have those experiences. He encouraged us to do the same thing.

Then President Bingham put some people on the spot. He asked three women to come and bare their testimonies. One was a grandma, one was 40-50 something and one was a teenager. they were all humbled and honored to be able to bear their testimonies. The teenager said something that really struck me. She said - The Lord will always find a way for you.

We stood as a congregation and sang, Now let us Rejoice.

Then Sister Andersen got up to speak. She gave a really good talk but it was something that happened just before she spoke that really touched me. Sister Andersen is a very petite lady, she reminds me of a delicate tiny bird. Elder Andersen walked with her to the pulpit and adjusted the microphone for her. It was a little thing, she could have done it for herself, but the look on his face as he did it showed how much he truly loved his wife. The love in his face told me that she is the thing he treasures the most in this world. She spoke of a time when her children were young, about 25 years ago. I believe she said they had 5 kids. She had just received the conference issue of the issue and wanted each child to have their own copy of the talks to read. 15 talks multiplied by the number in her family quickly added up. When she went to pay she was told that the total was $50. She had a brief moment of her heart plummeting at the thought of so much money. Then she had a moment of quiet inspiration, the Spirit asked, "what is it worth to you to have the words of God's prophets for you and your family?" That sentence touched me and I realized, as she had, that there is no price to great. The words of the prophets lead to happiness and eternal life.

Elder Andersen then got up to speak. He is not very tall, about 5'7" max, but the spiritual stature was obvious. He spoke of being an instrument in the Lord's hands.  He told a story of a farmer and his neighbor. The neighbor worked on his farm everyday of the week. The farmer took Sundays off to go to church and do other things to keep the Sabbath day holy. The neighbor asked him why he did that and the farmer replied that the Lord would bless him for keeping the commandments. October came and the two men were talking at the fence. The neighbor pointed out that his crop was beautiful and full and that the farmers showed the signs of it's weekly neglect. He then asked where the Lord's blessings were. the farmer thought a moment and then looked at his neighbor and said, "friend, the Lord does not balance his books in October." This was another reminder to me of the promises the Lord has made to me. Elder Andersen asked us to be sensitive to the feelings we feel, the whisperings of the Spirit. He said never delay a prompting. He said that  the Lord would bless our every effort. As I was thinking about the promptings I have received and how would I ever be able to do  them, I must confess I didn't really listen to Elder Andersen. My mind was caught up in the promptings I had received and my private fears. Suddenly Elder Andersen's voice cut through the fog in my mind with power and great authority, "Be not afraid, only believe!" Wow, I sat up straight. I know he didn't say that any differently than the rest of his talk because no one else jumped to attention like I did. I knew that that sentence had been meant for me.

So the personalized message I got from the conference was, "Don't delay promptings, be not afraid, only believe, the Lord will find a way for you."

The choir closed by singing I know that my Redeemer Lives. Singing my testimony in a packed building with the servants of the Lord I was very touched and almost cried.

Afterwards they greeted the people and took time for each child. They shook my daughter's hand, asked her name and talked to her for a little bit. The Lord has said that we must become as little children, and these men showed great respect and love to the little children.

We went to my parents house and had lunch with the Elders and then went to a baptism. I sang there as well, it was much more intimate with just over a dozen people there. It was actually more nerve wracking for me, don't ask why. It was humbling and a very tender spirit was there. I was very pleased that my step-son went to it and actually ended up translating for a man that didn't speak spanish.

Some other spiritual but personal things happened that evening. Showing me that even in the little things the Lord is aware of me.

Now back to Michael, he is a large imposing man. He is over 6 feet tall and at least 300 pounds. He was raised in the church but got into trouble and was excommunicated. He was recently re-baptized. He has been in jail and has that swagger that says don't mess with me. Trust me, if you are in a fight you really want to be on his side. His daughter is a little older than my daughter and we go over every Monday night and have Family Home Evening with him, his wife and daughter. I usually do the lesson but he wanted to this time. He started out by talking about conference and asking us what our favorite talks were. The girls didn't say much, but I talked about the above mentioned things and his wife talked about her favorite parts. He then told us of his experience. He had been out in the hall when President Bingham asked him to come into the office. Elder Packer asked him his name and then invited him to be the security for Elder Andersen. He said yes and was then introduced to Elder Andersen. He told us that when he touched his hand he got such a strong impression from the spirit, letting him know that this was an apostle of the Lord, chosen by God. He told them that if it was necessary he would die for them. He talked about how he walked around the building just making sure everything was ok. Once conference was over he was once again right at Elder Andersens side. He was witness to some things that truly touched him. Especially how they all took time for the children, just as the Savior had. One child in particular, a little girl from our congregation has had many health issues and she is back in a wheelchair due to issues with her legs. Michael told us that Elder Andersen got on his hands and knees to talk to this little girl. He then took her into the stake president's office where she received a priesthood blessing from an Apostle of the Lord. He wasn't in there for the blessing as he was standing at the door making sure that they weren't interrupted, but he said he felt the Spirit so strongly he couldn't help but cry. Telling us the story his voice got hushed with emotion and he began to cry again. To see this giant bear of a man moved was again very humbling.

As I thought about his testimony and the strong impressions he got from just a handshake, I wondered why I hadn't gotten such an impression when I met Elder Andersen. As I was pondering this, a sweet gentle thought came into my mind, "You didn't get that impression because you already knew. Your questions were not about if, they were about how. And you cannot deny that the impressions you got in response to those questions were just as strong and poignant." The Lord truly does know us and what we need, what our secret prayers and hurts are. He had an answer for everyone that went to conference with a sincere heart and in humility. I want to close my blog the same way we closed conference. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know He knows me personally. I know He loves me!

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living Head.

He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to help in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
He lives and loves me to the end;
He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing;
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death:
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His Name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same.
Oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
I know that my Redeemer lives

True Love

John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Love - Webster's Dictionary describes it like this (1) strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. I personally prefer this definition : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.
Love is a word that is so easily thrown around. "I love those shoes", "I love chocolate", " I love Stefan Salvatore (Vampire for those not in the know)" Yes I have actually said all three of those sentences, the first two multiple times. But would I give my life for those things? Well some of my friends say that I risk my life every time I wear my stilettos, but that's not what I mean. Chocolate, no, I wouldn't die for chocolate. And a fictional character, no matter how cute the actor, isn't enough to make me offer my life.
There are certain people that I would be willing to die for, my daughter pops into my mind as the topmost person.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
I think of these two scriptures together and a new definition of love comes to my mind, an eternal meaning. The topical guide has as some of it's meanings: compassion, mercy of God. The first scripture talks about laying down ones life for friends. Jesus Christ laid down his life for every single person ever born, or that ever will be born. That means that no one else that has ever lived here loves us more. It also means that He considers all of us his friends. That brings an interesting question to my mind, What kind of friend have we been to Jesus? Have we praised him as we should, or have we talked about him behind his back? Have we offered all that we can for him as we would our other friends? It goes beyond how we treat our friends though. How do we treat strangers? Are we kind, are we charitable to others in "lower" situations? Do we help those who are difficult to love?
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

I look at the two men who love us more than we can comprehend. God gave his son that we might have life more abundantly. Allowing our hearts to love opens us up to pain, as a mom I can tell you that no pain is greater than seeing your child suffer. My heart was torn to shreds recently, my daughter was being bullied at school. I felt angry, somewhat helpless and so much pain to see her little heart being broken. I can't even begin to imagine what our Heavenly Father went through as he watched His Beloved and Perfect Son go through all He went through so that we could be saved. Even knowing what must happen I am certain that God wasn't fully prepared for the pain He would feel at watching his children hurt and kill his Only Begotten. I am grateful to both of them for going through what they went through, for showing me what true love looks like.
I strive to love others that way, I know I fail, I am not perfect, but fortunately I have a forgiving Savior who helps me back onto the path of true discipleship, the path of true love. I try to remember that the people that are hard to love are still children of our Heavenly Father, that Jesus died for them just as He died for me.

I invite you to accept this gift of Love that Christ has offered to us. Learn of Him, for He is mighty to save. If you don't know how or where to start just ask me, I would be more than happy to help you.

John 15:15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

Off to the rescue He hastens - or - my crazy weekend

I had plans this weekend, things to do.
God had other plans for me.
It actually started Thursday night. I was having the missionaries over for dinner that night. I made chicken spaghetti (a really amazing food that if you are ever in my area I would be happy to make for you :D). I was looking at my daughters head and she had a little bug crawling across it. I took it off and killed it and didn't think anything of it since she plays outside all the time, and she had fallen earlier that day. Dinner went well, the Elders had to leave shortly after dinner because they had an appointment, but the sisters said they could stay for a little bit. As we were talking Sister Martinez asked me what was bothering me. As I told her my struggles with being a single mom all the stresses of my life started coming out of my mouth. A floodgate had been opened and I couldn't shut it off. I poured out my soul to these very dear women. They canceled their next appointment and I told them they shouldn't because their appointment was with someone who wasn't a member of the church. They told me in no uncertain terms that I needed them more at that moment. While they were all still there I got texts from two girlfriends. One needed to stay the night on my couch and the other needed to confess that she was making out with a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. To the first friend I said come over and to the second I counseled as best as I could.
When my friend got to my house there was so much drama, her ex was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do and she was stressing because he had made their life really hard and now she has to move. As she was in my room putting our girls to bed I started to feel a twinge of regret. I had my own issues that I was dealing with and this kind of drama wasn't what I wanted. Of course that sweet still voice whispered, but where else would she go? and I knew as difficult as it would be I had to be there for her. The Sisters eventually left and the girls fell asleep and my friend and I talked. Having just had the chance to empty my burdened soul I was able to listen to her problems without feeling too overwhelmed. I went to bed later than I wanted to, but I felt good about helping a friend in need. The next morning we quietly woke up her girls and got them ready to go. They had to leave super early so my friend could get to work. Later I woke up my daughter, who threw a fit that her friends weren't there anymore and that she hadn't been able to say goodbye. One meltdown led to another meltdown, ending with her saying that I don't love her. It was too much. I walked out the door and into the kitchen and sat at the table crying and praying for the next ten minutes. I told the Lord that I couldn't do anymore, I had reached my end. My daughter came out of the bedroom and was a little distraught to see me crying. I took her to school and went to work. While I was at work I got the feeling that I should look up lice and see what they look like. What do you know, the bug walking across my daughters head hadn't been a random bug, but a louse. Maybe, I hoped, maybe some other kid at school has it and it was just one bug. I went to pick her up and she was scratching her head so I started looking really closely at her hair. Sure enough, she had a bunch. So I had to text her friends mom, they were going to have a sleep over and I was going to have a free weekend. The mom texted me back asking if she had ever had lice before. I said no. I went to target and spent the last of the money I had on treatment and a little food. I sat in the car outside of Target almost ready to cry, praying in my heart that I really was at the end of my rope. I had faithfully paid my tithing but now I had no money to get shampoo for me or put gas in my car and I still needed to go to Rohnert Park three times before my next payday. Wednesday has never seemed so far away. As I was contemplating how I would make it through my friend texted me and asked me to call her house. Her husband answered and started talking to me about treatment and such. I said that I had already purchased a kit and was actually sitting in the Target parking lot. He told me that I should probably do my hair too. I responded that I knew that but I had no money to get it. He asked me if I needed money and I started to cry, not 5 minutes early I had been praying to be able to get through the weekend and be able to do all the things I needed to do. I humbly and gratefully said yes and went to their house. he gave me an envelope and asked me if it was enough. I said yes to which he commented that I hadn't even looked in the envelope. I replied that over the phone we had agreed to 40, he wrote in the dust on the door that he had given me 60. I went home thinking that I would have to do some laundry but not all of it because I had just done laundry. I was deflated when I got home and realized that as I was folding the laundry, I had set it on my bed, near my pillows. I would have to do it all over again.
As I was treating my daughters hair my sister called me and asked me what I was doing. I told her and she said oh too bad I wanted to do something. I asked her if she wanted to come do laundry with me. She said no, that she still needed to eat. I said me too and just like that my sister was taking me to Applebee's for dinner. I told her my whole sad story and she offered to help with picking up Brandon for church. I went home and was up until 3 in the morning doing laundry and I still had some to do but I was exhausted and needed to go to bed.
I got woken up at 9:30 by the sisters texting me. Good timing since I had to get stuff ready for them to come over at 11. I went to Rohnert Park and picked up Brandon and brought him back to my house. The Elders and the Sisters showed up and started working on my yard while I finished up laundry and made lunch. Sister Martinez sat with Sofia and patiently combed through all of her hair. Sofia is very sensitive and cries easily so it was not an easy task. Elder Manciati mowed the lawn, for the first time in his life, so to kept herself distracted Sofia made up stories with Elder Manciati as the hero with a lawn mower. He chopped off an evil witch's head freeing people who had been enslaved for 18 years. It was a very familial type scene, looking out the window at my children and people I love and for some reason I was filled with a sense of hopelessness and despair. At that moment Sister Martinez caught a tangle in Sofia's hair and she started howling. Both sisters were trying to calm her down but to no avail. I heard Elder Manciati tell her "Look Sofia, I got you a lady bug." It was a small thing, but it got her to stop crying and almost made me start. He came in and talked to me for a little bit. I don't remember what we talked about, it wasn't super important, but it gave me the distraction I needed to get passed the low feelings I was having. We sat on the floor eating homemade teriyaki burgers and talking. The sisters finished lunch first and washed my dishes. That evening Brandon went with the Elders and I went with the sisters to do lessons. It was a wonderful experience.
Sunday was pretty non-eventful. The sisters came over and helped me clean and combed Sofia's hair again.
Monday was a day. I was supposed to go to the Keelers for FHE. Work was hectic, there is a lot going on there. I am feeling stressed out with that too. The Elders texted me and asked if I could go with them to do a lesson. I wanted to wash Sofia's hair again so I canceled with the Keelers and agreed to meet the Elders at the Hernandez family house. We were supposed to meet at 6 and we got there at 5:50. Sofia and I sat in the car eating Taco Bell when a neighbor came out to smoke a cigarette. He walked over and asked me if I had a spare. I asked him what he meant. He pointed out that my front tire was flat. The Elders came out and helped fixed my tire. My spare was flat too, but Brother Hernandez had an air compressor. My dad happened to be driving by and he stopped to help out. He pointed out that my other front tire would need to be replaced as well. Add to my stress, money is tight anyhow without adding $200 for new tires. The Elders went on to their appointment and the sisters followed me to my house. They helped me finish up cleaning and combed Sofia's hair again. Sister Martinez then combed through my hair. Sofia got into bed and Sister Martinez sang her a lullaby. As we were in my room, Sister Hernandez called me to see if I knew where the sisters were. I said they were still at my house and she said that they had forgotten their phone at her house. The sisters asked me if I could text the Elders and ask them to pick up the phone. Sister Martinez found some bugs in my hair and I started to cry a little. The Elders called me to ask how I knew that the Sisters phone was at the Hernandez house. I explained that they were still at my house and that the Hernandez's had called me. They said they were leaving an appointment and I said the Sisters were almost done and so they should be able to go get their phone. Just then Sister Martinez said, do you want them to give you a blessing? I hadn't thought of it, and realizing that I was in such a state that people realized that I needed a blessing caused me to lose it completely. I couldn't even talk anymore, I was crying too hard. Sister Leyton took my phone and asked the Elders to pick up the phone and that I needed a blessing. We went outside to wait for them. They pulled up and so did my dad. I asked what he was there for, and he said that the Elders had stopped by and said I needed a blessing. Again I was touched by their thoughtfulness. Elder Manciati gave me the blessing and Sister Martinez wrote it down. Some of the things that were said were very touching to me. One of the most poignant things was the fact that I always misquote 1 Nephi 21:16 It says Behold, I have graven thee upon the ^apalms of my hands; but I always say engraven. In fact I just recently did a blog titled that. When Elder Manciati said the blessing he said "The Lord has not forgotten you, you are engraven in the palms of his hands and in his feet." The reason it touched me so much is that I know Elder Manciati knows the scripture, Sister Martinez wrote it correctly and even put the reference in the notes she was taking. I know the Lord knows the scripture, He said it originally. But He knew that what I needed at that time was to have a sign that He really is aware of me. It was a little thing, to just stick an "en" in front of a word, but it was enough to let me know that He knows me. Elder Manciati also reminded me that "there are many people around me that love me and care deeply for me." After the blessing I felt much calmer and loved.
I had to spend $200 to get my tires replaced and again felt the pinch of being a single mom. I was thinking about the fact that I wouldn't have any money until the next payday. Again the Lord showed me that He is aware of me. On payday I saw that I had enough money to pay all my bills and still buy groceries, it would be tight but we would make it.
I felt very strongly like the Lord was telling me "I can't take your trial away from you, but I can give you the things you need to get through it."
Now there is a saying,  "Not all who wander are lost". I thought of a different thing to say, "Not all who need rescuing are lost" The Good Shepard hastens to the rescue of all. Sometimes that rescue is searching for a lost lamb, but sometimes it is protecting the sheep from a wolf. And in my case, it was rescuing a lamb from a hidden hole in the field. He sent people to show me that I am not alone, that I don't need to try to do everything on my own. Angels sometimes come in the form of dear friends. Friends willing to comb through hair looking for nasty bug, friends willing to comfort and cheer, friends that will do anything for the ones they love. This past week and a half the Lord has shown me that I have true friends.