I had plans this weekend, things to do.
God had other plans for me.
It actually started Thursday night. I was having the missionaries over for dinner that night. I made chicken spaghetti (a really amazing food that if you are ever in my area I would be happy to make for you :D). I was looking at my daughters head and she had a little bug crawling across it. I took it off and killed it and didn't think anything of it since she plays outside all the time, and she had fallen earlier that day. Dinner went well, the Elders had to leave shortly after dinner because they had an appointment, but the sisters said they could stay for a little bit. As we were talking Sister Martinez asked me what was bothering me. As I told her my struggles with being a single mom all the stresses of my life started coming out of my mouth. A floodgate had been opened and I couldn't shut it off. I poured out my soul to these very dear women. They canceled their next appointment and I told them they shouldn't because their appointment was with someone who wasn't a member of the church. They told me in no uncertain terms that I needed them more at that moment. While they were all still there I got texts from two girlfriends. One needed to stay the night on my couch and the other needed to confess that she was making out with a guy that wasn't her boyfriend. To the first friend I said come over and to the second I counseled as best as I could.
When my friend got to my house there was so much drama, her ex was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do and she was stressing because he had made their life really hard and now she has to move. As she was in my room putting our girls to bed I started to feel a twinge of regret. I had my own issues that I was dealing with and this kind of drama wasn't what I wanted. Of course that sweet still voice whispered, but where else would she go? and I knew as difficult as it would be I had to be there for her. The Sisters eventually left and the girls fell asleep and my friend and I talked. Having just had the chance to empty my burdened soul I was able to listen to her problems without feeling too overwhelmed. I went to bed later than I wanted to, but I felt good about helping a friend in need. The next morning we quietly woke up her girls and got them ready to go. They had to leave super early so my friend could get to work. Later I woke up my daughter, who threw a fit that her friends weren't there anymore and that she hadn't been able to say goodbye. One meltdown led to another meltdown, ending with her saying that I don't love her. It was too much. I walked out the door and into the kitchen and sat at the table crying and praying for the next ten minutes. I told the Lord that I couldn't do anymore, I had reached my end. My daughter came out of the bedroom and was a little distraught to see me crying. I took her to school and went to work. While I was at work I got the feeling that I should look up lice and see what they look like. What do you know, the bug walking across my daughters head hadn't been a random bug, but a louse. Maybe, I hoped, maybe some other kid at school has it and it was just one bug. I went to pick her up and she was scratching her head so I started looking really closely at her hair. Sure enough, she had a bunch. So I had to text her friends mom, they were going to have a sleep over and I was going to have a free weekend. The mom texted me back asking if she had ever had lice before. I said no. I went to target and spent the last of the money I had on treatment and a little food. I sat in the car outside of Target almost ready to cry, praying in my heart that I really was at the end of my rope. I had faithfully paid my tithing but now I had no money to get shampoo for me or put gas in my car and I still needed to go to Rohnert Park three times before my next payday. Wednesday has never seemed so far away. As I was contemplating how I would make it through my friend texted me and asked me to call her house. Her husband answered and started talking to me about treatment and such. I said that I had already purchased a kit and was actually sitting in the Target parking lot. He told me that I should probably do my hair too. I responded that I knew that but I had no money to get it. He asked me if I needed money and I started to cry, not 5 minutes early I had been praying to be able to get through the weekend and be able to do all the things I needed to do. I humbly and gratefully said yes and went to their house. he gave me an envelope and asked me if it was enough. I said yes to which he commented that I hadn't even looked in the envelope. I replied that over the phone we had agreed to 40, he wrote in the dust on the door that he had given me 60. I went home thinking that I would have to do some laundry but not all of it because I had just done laundry. I was deflated when I got home and realized that as I was folding the laundry, I had set it on my bed, near my pillows. I would have to do it all over again.
As I was treating my daughters hair my sister called me and asked me what I was doing. I told her and she said oh too bad I wanted to do something. I asked her if she wanted to come do laundry with me. She said no, that she still needed to eat. I said me too and just like that my sister was taking me to Applebee's for dinner. I told her my whole sad story and she offered to help with picking up Brandon for church. I went home and was up until 3 in the morning doing laundry and I still had some to do but I was exhausted and needed to go to bed.
I got woken up at 9:30 by the sisters texting me. Good timing since I had to get stuff ready for them to come over at 11. I went to Rohnert Park and picked up Brandon and brought him back to my house. The Elders and the Sisters showed up and started working on my yard while I finished up laundry and made lunch. Sister Martinez sat with Sofia and patiently combed through all of her hair. Sofia is very sensitive and cries easily so it was not an easy task. Elder Manciati mowed the lawn, for the first time in his life, so to kept herself distracted Sofia made up stories with Elder Manciati as the hero with a lawn mower. He chopped off an evil witch's head freeing people who had been enslaved for 18 years. It was a very familial type scene, looking out the window at my children and people I love and for some reason I was filled with a sense of hopelessness and despair. At that moment Sister Martinez caught a tangle in Sofia's hair and she started howling. Both sisters were trying to calm her down but to no avail. I heard Elder Manciati tell her "Look Sofia, I got you a lady bug." It was a small thing, but it got her to stop crying and almost made me start. He came in and talked to me for a little bit. I don't remember what we talked about, it wasn't super important, but it gave me the distraction I needed to get passed the low feelings I was having. We sat on the floor eating homemade teriyaki burgers and talking. The sisters finished lunch first and washed my dishes. That evening Brandon went with the Elders and I went with the sisters to do lessons. It was a wonderful experience.
Sunday was pretty non-eventful. The sisters came over and helped me clean and combed Sofia's hair again.
Monday was a day. I was supposed to go to the Keelers for FHE. Work was hectic, there is a lot going on there. I am feeling stressed out with that too. The Elders texted me and asked if I could go with them to do a lesson. I wanted to wash Sofia's hair again so I canceled with the Keelers and agreed to meet the Elders at the Hernandez family house. We were supposed to meet at 6 and we got there at 5:50. Sofia and I sat in the car eating Taco Bell when a neighbor came out to smoke a cigarette. He walked over and asked me if I had a spare. I asked him what he meant. He pointed out that my front tire was flat. The Elders came out and helped fixed my tire. My spare was flat too, but Brother Hernandez had an air compressor. My dad happened to be driving by and he stopped to help out. He pointed out that my other front tire would need to be replaced as well. Add to my stress, money is tight anyhow without adding $200 for new tires. The Elders went on to their appointment and the sisters followed me to my house. They helped me finish up cleaning and combed Sofia's hair again. Sister Martinez then combed through my hair. Sofia got into bed and Sister Martinez sang her a lullaby. As we were in my room, Sister Hernandez called me to see if I knew where the sisters were. I said they were still at my house and she said that they had forgotten their phone at her house. The sisters asked me if I could text the Elders and ask them to pick up the phone. Sister Martinez found some bugs in my hair and I started to cry a little. The Elders called me to ask how I knew that the Sisters phone was at the Hernandez house. I explained that they were still at my house and that the Hernandez's had called me. They said they were leaving an appointment and I said the Sisters were almost done and so they should be able to go get their phone. Just then Sister Martinez said, do you want them to give you a blessing? I hadn't thought of it, and realizing that I was in such a state that people realized that I needed a blessing caused me to lose it completely. I couldn't even talk anymore, I was crying too hard. Sister Leyton took my phone and asked the Elders to pick up the phone and that I needed a blessing. We went outside to wait for them. They pulled up and so did my dad. I asked what he was there for, and he said that the Elders had stopped by and said I needed a blessing. Again I was touched by their thoughtfulness. Elder Manciati gave me the blessing and Sister Martinez wrote it down. Some of the things that were said were very touching to me. One of the most poignant things was the fact that I always misquote 1 Nephi 21:16 It says Behold, I have graven thee upon the apalms of my hands; but I always say engraven. In fact I just recently did a blog titled that. When Elder Manciati said the blessing he said "The Lord has not forgotten you, you are engraven in the palms of his hands and in his feet." The reason it touched me so much is that I know Elder Manciati knows the scripture, Sister Martinez wrote it correctly and even put the reference in the notes she was taking. I know the Lord knows the scripture, He said it originally. But He knew that what I needed at that time was to have a sign that He really is aware of me. It was a little thing, to just stick an "en" in front of a word, but it was enough to let me know that He knows me. Elder Manciati also reminded me that "there are many people around me that love me and care deeply for me." After the blessing I felt much calmer and loved.
I had to spend $200 to get my tires replaced and again felt the pinch of being a single mom. I was thinking about the fact that I wouldn't have any money until the next payday. Again the Lord showed me that He is aware of me. On payday I saw that I had enough money to pay all my bills and still buy groceries, it would be tight but we would make it.
I felt very strongly like the Lord was telling me "I can't take your trial away from you, but I can give you the things you need to get through it."
Now there is a saying, "Not all who wander are lost". I thought of a different thing to say, "Not all who need rescuing are lost" The Good Shepard hastens to the rescue of all. Sometimes that rescue is searching for a lost lamb, but sometimes it is protecting the sheep from a wolf. And in my case, it was rescuing a lamb from a hidden hole in the field. He sent people to show me that I am not alone, that I don't need to try to do everything on my own. Angels sometimes come in the form of dear friends. Friends willing to comb through hair looking for nasty bug, friends willing to comfort and cheer, friends that will do anything for the ones they love. This past week and a half the Lord has shown me that I have true friends.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Engraven in the palms of His hands
Easter is coming up again. I love this time of year, not just because of the candy :) The earth starts to revive from it's cold hibernation, flowers start to bloom, baby animals start showing up. Life renews.
It is also the greatest day in the Christian world. Sure Christmas is great, but without the atonement crucifixion and resurrection, it would only be a day that a great teacher was born. Easter gives Christmas it's true value.
I want to share a very personal story and tie it into Easter.
When I was in my very early 20's I quit my job to study full time. I also got involved with a guy. I ended up jobless, single and pregnant. I had to quit school because I couldn't keep up. I was stressed out about what I was going to do. I ended up working with LDS Family Services and getting a counselor. They talked to me, never pressuring me to decide, about keeping the baby or placing the baby for adoption. For most of the pregnancy I thought I would keep the baby. I was still looking at adoptive parents but no one stood out to me. Finally a week before my due date I found the couple that seemed like the right couple. I met with them and left the meeting filled with the Spirit of God, knowing that these were the people that would raise my precious daughter. Two weeks later the stubborn little angel had still not made her appearance. I eventually went into the hospital to be induced. 20 hours later things were not going the way they should. Alarms kept going off and I felt terrible, I know labor is not fun in and of itself but I was hit by waves of intense nausea. My doctor came in, a little nervous and explained that I was only dilated to a 2 (need to be 10) and that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an emergency c-section. My brother and my dad gave me a blessing that all would be well and I went into the room. As they preformed the operation, they were able to see the problem. Somehow, she had gotten all tangled up in the cord. Wrapped tightly, she was being squeezed with every contraction, no wonder she was in distress. She had to be placed in the infant ICU in an oxygen helmet.
My incision got infected and both of us ended up being in the hospital for a week. I spent as much time with her as I could and there were times when I thought to myself "I can do this". But in the quiet of the night, when my family was gone and the nurses were not checking on me every couple of hours I realized that I if it was hard but do-able with professional people helping me round the clock, it would be even harder doing it on my own. I finally decided that yes, the family I met from LA would be the perfect people and a week later she was in their arms. She looks like her mom, and actually has hereditary traits from that family.
Now as to what this has to do with Easter - Several months after she was born I was missing her and wondering what she would look like when she was grown, wondering if she would appreciate the sacrifice I made for her to have a good life. I had a dream that I was at a conference where my favorite church leader was speaking and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I felt like God had forgotten me and that I wasn't important to anyone. He asked me if I loved Reagan and I said of course. He then asked me if I could forget about her. I said I couldn't, I had the scars of her birth engraven on my body, and the emotional scars of giving her to God on my soul. He smiled at me and said, the Savior has engraven your name in His palms, He will never forget you or abandon you. I woke up feeling warmth and love, but to make sure I got the point the morning I woke up from that dream I ran into that very leader (who is from Utah) at church (in Santa Rosa, CA) and he put his hand on my arm, looked into my eyes and said "Thank you for coming today, I am glad you are here."
Giving up my child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, there were times I asked God to let me keep her. I did it out of love, knowing that it gave her the things she needed to live an abundant life.
Our Savior did the hardest thing anyone has done, ever! He paid the price for sins, he took on our pains and sorrows. Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
He understand perfectly my pain, both physical and emotional.
He plead with His Father to not drink that bitter cup, but in the end He fulfilled his Father's will.
He did what He did out of love for us, that we might live life more abundantly.
My experience helps me understand the importance of the Atonement and helps me appreciate all that my Savior did for me. I know that He suffered greatly for me because He loves me.
I am grateful to know that I am purchased at infinite cost, and that my name is engraven in the palms of His hands.
It is also the greatest day in the Christian world. Sure Christmas is great, but without the atonement crucifixion and resurrection, it would only be a day that a great teacher was born. Easter gives Christmas it's true value.
I want to share a very personal story and tie it into Easter.
When I was in my very early 20's I quit my job to study full time. I also got involved with a guy. I ended up jobless, single and pregnant. I had to quit school because I couldn't keep up. I was stressed out about what I was going to do. I ended up working with LDS Family Services and getting a counselor. They talked to me, never pressuring me to decide, about keeping the baby or placing the baby for adoption. For most of the pregnancy I thought I would keep the baby. I was still looking at adoptive parents but no one stood out to me. Finally a week before my due date I found the couple that seemed like the right couple. I met with them and left the meeting filled with the Spirit of God, knowing that these were the people that would raise my precious daughter. Two weeks later the stubborn little angel had still not made her appearance. I eventually went into the hospital to be induced. 20 hours later things were not going the way they should. Alarms kept going off and I felt terrible, I know labor is not fun in and of itself but I was hit by waves of intense nausea. My doctor came in, a little nervous and explained that I was only dilated to a 2 (need to be 10) and that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an emergency c-section. My brother and my dad gave me a blessing that all would be well and I went into the room. As they preformed the operation, they were able to see the problem. Somehow, she had gotten all tangled up in the cord. Wrapped tightly, she was being squeezed with every contraction, no wonder she was in distress. She had to be placed in the infant ICU in an oxygen helmet.
My incision got infected and both of us ended up being in the hospital for a week. I spent as much time with her as I could and there were times when I thought to myself "I can do this". But in the quiet of the night, when my family was gone and the nurses were not checking on me every couple of hours I realized that I if it was hard but do-able with professional people helping me round the clock, it would be even harder doing it on my own. I finally decided that yes, the family I met from LA would be the perfect people and a week later she was in their arms. She looks like her mom, and actually has hereditary traits from that family.
Now as to what this has to do with Easter - Several months after she was born I was missing her and wondering what she would look like when she was grown, wondering if she would appreciate the sacrifice I made for her to have a good life. I had a dream that I was at a conference where my favorite church leader was speaking and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I felt like God had forgotten me and that I wasn't important to anyone. He asked me if I loved Reagan and I said of course. He then asked me if I could forget about her. I said I couldn't, I had the scars of her birth engraven on my body, and the emotional scars of giving her to God on my soul. He smiled at me and said, the Savior has engraven your name in His palms, He will never forget you or abandon you. I woke up feeling warmth and love, but to make sure I got the point the morning I woke up from that dream I ran into that very leader (who is from Utah) at church (in Santa Rosa, CA) and he put his hand on my arm, looked into my eyes and said "Thank you for coming today, I am glad you are here."
Giving up my child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, there were times I asked God to let me keep her. I did it out of love, knowing that it gave her the things she needed to live an abundant life.
Our Savior did the hardest thing anyone has done, ever! He paid the price for sins, he took on our pains and sorrows. Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
He understand perfectly my pain, both physical and emotional.
He plead with His Father to not drink that bitter cup, but in the end He fulfilled his Father's will.
He did what He did out of love for us, that we might live life more abundantly.
My experience helps me understand the importance of the Atonement and helps me appreciate all that my Savior did for me. I know that He suffered greatly for me because He loves me.
I am grateful to know that I am purchased at infinite cost, and that my name is engraven in the palms of His hands.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Why I love being a woman in the LDS church
So I was reading a blog by a woman who is proud of her feminist stance and very critical of the view the church has on women. I felt sorry for her and her bitter attitude. I also felt the need to say that I love being a woman in the church.
We just had an amazing church wide General Conference in which many talks were about the family, parenting and womanhood. I was especially touched by Richard G Scott's tribute to his wife. The entire time I felt the love of the Lord and what a wonderful thing it is to be a woman. In a world where women are disrespected and objectified it was really wonderful to be able to hear good things said about womanhood and femininity. I am a woman, not just female, my friends would go as far as to say that I am girly. Ever since I was a young girl I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. As I watched other peoples kids and felt the love and joy involved in that I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. Feminists would tell me that we are now in the 21st century and that I don't have to be tied down to that old fashioned view of women. I can be whatever I want to be. However when I try to assert my honest desire to be a wife and mother they tell me that I am throwing women back into the dark ages. They say I can be whatever I want, just not a wife and mother.
The bible is full of stories of great women who chose to be mothers, they did other amazing things too.
Eve - The mother of all living, the first to realize that as beautiful as the garden was there would be no personal or spiritual growth. Made from the side of man, to be his equal partner, to be equally yoked and to work together.
Noah's wife - Now we don't know her name, but she had to put up with her husband building this huge boat in her front yard and all the animals. She must have been faithful, righteous and amazing. I mean the Lord doesn't pick just anyone to be the second mother of the earth.
Sarah - Abraham's wife, changing diapers at 90 years old isn't a lot of fun, not to mention the pregnancy that preceded those diapers.
Jael - MOST AWESOME WOMAN EVER!!!! Seriously, she led the leader of the enemy army into her tent and then killed him with the tent stake. Can you say girl power?
Hannah - mother of the boy prophet Samuel, she waited for years to have a child and then turned around and gave him right back to God. That is truly paying tithes of the first fruits.
Mary - mother of Jesus, do I really need to say more.
The woman at the well and the woman who bathed the Saviors feet with her tears were pretty awesome too!
The book of mormon has equally valiant women
Sariah, Abish, the women of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, the wife of King Lamoni. Nephi's wife stands out to me a lot, she stood by her husband and stood up to her brothers and brother-in-laws when they were being wicked. She gave birth to kids in a desert caravan!
What great examples I have to look to! Now today's society would tell you that women are equal to men and should be treated the same. Now I partly agree. Women are equal, and should be treated with the same respect. But we are NOT the same!
Now really, when you are doing a project with a group of people, the best way to maximize the talents and time of the people involved is to have different people doing different things. To ease confusion these type of groups will usually choose a project leader. It would be a waste of time to have all the people doing the exact same thing, so why does society take something that is done on a daily basis in the work place and say that it is inappropriate for the home life.
I am smaller than most of the men I know, and not as physically strong. I know there are some women who are physically strong and that's good for them, but if I have to go into a scary situation, I would rather have a tall man at my side. When I am having a crappy day, I want my girlfriends and chocolate. Each gender is good for different reasons. I am glad that we are not all the same, how boring would that be?
I love being in a church that celebrates womanhood and femininity. I mean seriously, those of you that know me, I have child bearing hips. lol What else am I supposed to do with them? Well salsa dance yeah, but it is not a shameful thing to want to be a mom. When I get married I want to stay home and raise my family. That may be old fashioned, but I don't see any evidence that the new fashioned way of doing things has made life better. Broken families, abortion and crime run rampant in the new fashioned world.
Give me a good man at my side, not ahead of me and not behind, but beside me and I will take that over any corporate CEO position any day.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints values and cherishes women. The leaders showed their love this past weekend. It is a safe place to be a mom and a wife. They also spoke to single moms (like me) and reminded us that we are just as important to God. That the lack of a husband does not make us less of women. Hearing those words from a prophet of the Lord reaffirmed my faith, in God, in men and in mankind. I am a woman, and proud to be one. I am a mom and will one day be a wife, and I am not ashamed of that!!
We just had an amazing church wide General Conference in which many talks were about the family, parenting and womanhood. I was especially touched by Richard G Scott's tribute to his wife. The entire time I felt the love of the Lord and what a wonderful thing it is to be a woman. In a world where women are disrespected and objectified it was really wonderful to be able to hear good things said about womanhood and femininity. I am a woman, not just female, my friends would go as far as to say that I am girly. Ever since I was a young girl I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. As I watched other peoples kids and felt the love and joy involved in that I knew I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. Feminists would tell me that we are now in the 21st century and that I don't have to be tied down to that old fashioned view of women. I can be whatever I want to be. However when I try to assert my honest desire to be a wife and mother they tell me that I am throwing women back into the dark ages. They say I can be whatever I want, just not a wife and mother.
The bible is full of stories of great women who chose to be mothers, they did other amazing things too.
Eve - The mother of all living, the first to realize that as beautiful as the garden was there would be no personal or spiritual growth. Made from the side of man, to be his equal partner, to be equally yoked and to work together.
Noah's wife - Now we don't know her name, but she had to put up with her husband building this huge boat in her front yard and all the animals. She must have been faithful, righteous and amazing. I mean the Lord doesn't pick just anyone to be the second mother of the earth.
Sarah - Abraham's wife, changing diapers at 90 years old isn't a lot of fun, not to mention the pregnancy that preceded those diapers.
Jael - MOST AWESOME WOMAN EVER!!!! Seriously, she led the leader of the enemy army into her tent and then killed him with the tent stake. Can you say girl power?
Hannah - mother of the boy prophet Samuel, she waited for years to have a child and then turned around and gave him right back to God. That is truly paying tithes of the first fruits.
Mary - mother of Jesus, do I really need to say more.
The woman at the well and the woman who bathed the Saviors feet with her tears were pretty awesome too!
The book of mormon has equally valiant women
Sariah, Abish, the women of Anti-Nephi-Lehi, the wife of King Lamoni. Nephi's wife stands out to me a lot, she stood by her husband and stood up to her brothers and brother-in-laws when they were being wicked. She gave birth to kids in a desert caravan!
What great examples I have to look to! Now today's society would tell you that women are equal to men and should be treated the same. Now I partly agree. Women are equal, and should be treated with the same respect. But we are NOT the same!
Now really, when you are doing a project with a group of people, the best way to maximize the talents and time of the people involved is to have different people doing different things. To ease confusion these type of groups will usually choose a project leader. It would be a waste of time to have all the people doing the exact same thing, so why does society take something that is done on a daily basis in the work place and say that it is inappropriate for the home life.
I am smaller than most of the men I know, and not as physically strong. I know there are some women who are physically strong and that's good for them, but if I have to go into a scary situation, I would rather have a tall man at my side. When I am having a crappy day, I want my girlfriends and chocolate. Each gender is good for different reasons. I am glad that we are not all the same, how boring would that be?
I love being in a church that celebrates womanhood and femininity. I mean seriously, those of you that know me, I have child bearing hips. lol What else am I supposed to do with them? Well salsa dance yeah, but it is not a shameful thing to want to be a mom. When I get married I want to stay home and raise my family. That may be old fashioned, but I don't see any evidence that the new fashioned way of doing things has made life better. Broken families, abortion and crime run rampant in the new fashioned world.
Give me a good man at my side, not ahead of me and not behind, but beside me and I will take that over any corporate CEO position any day.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints values and cherishes women. The leaders showed their love this past weekend. It is a safe place to be a mom and a wife. They also spoke to single moms (like me) and reminded us that we are just as important to God. That the lack of a husband does not make us less of women. Hearing those words from a prophet of the Lord reaffirmed my faith, in God, in men and in mankind. I am a woman, and proud to be one. I am a mom and will one day be a wife, and I am not ashamed of that!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Borrowed Light
The other night I was going with the missionaries to different houses to talk to people. I met them at the first house and the next houses were within walking distance. The last house, however was a little bit further away and so we drove. Since I didn't know where the house was I followed behind them. They were parked behind me, so they started their car and turned on the headlights. As they passed me I pulled out and followed them. We rounded one corner and were approaching another one when Elder Bittner started flashing his high beams. For a moment I was confused, then I realized that their headlights were rather bright, and once I had turned on my car and put my seat belt on I saw their light reflected in the car bumper in front of me and therefore my brain computed it as my car having it's lights on. In reality I had not even turned my headlights on. I was traveling in their light and as they looked to see if I was following them they noticed that I had not turned mine on. I later told them I was in stealth mode, but it got me thinking... How frequently do we travel along, relying on someone else's light instead trying to get a testimony for ourselves? How frequently do we go along with popular ideology instead of seeking the answers ourselves?
No some people might ask, what is wrong with just going along. Now the dangers inherent in that were very obvious to me that night. As the Elders turned the corner I was engulfed in darkness, it was brief as I had caught the meaning of the flashing lights. However if they hadn't looked behind them I wouldn't have had any warning of the impending darkness. I thought of the Disney movie Cars. Once Lightning was separated from Mac he was lost in the dark and ended up somewhere he didn't want to be. He ended up in the movies version of jail. When we don't actively seek out the path, or to put oil in our lamps, we are allowing something or someone else to decide where we end up. We accept things as being ok when they are in reality against an eternal law and bring darkness into our lives. They can even lead us to being imprisoned. I have had friends and co-workers ask me why I believe the things I believe, especially when it goes against popular society. I have been called ignorant and confused for believing in God when an "enlightened" society "knows" he is a myth. My answer is actually quite simple, I followed someone else and ended up in the darkness, it was painful and sad. God used other people to shine a light on me until I had enough faith to store up my own light. I know that God knows who I am and that He loves me. Now I shine my light for others who have lost their way. And while my light is my testimony and my beliefs it is actually a reflection of the Light from that God who saved me.
No some people might ask, what is wrong with just going along. Now the dangers inherent in that were very obvious to me that night. As the Elders turned the corner I was engulfed in darkness, it was brief as I had caught the meaning of the flashing lights. However if they hadn't looked behind them I wouldn't have had any warning of the impending darkness. I thought of the Disney movie Cars. Once Lightning was separated from Mac he was lost in the dark and ended up somewhere he didn't want to be. He ended up in the movies version of jail. When we don't actively seek out the path, or to put oil in our lamps, we are allowing something or someone else to decide where we end up. We accept things as being ok when they are in reality against an eternal law and bring darkness into our lives. They can even lead us to being imprisoned. I have had friends and co-workers ask me why I believe the things I believe, especially when it goes against popular society. I have been called ignorant and confused for believing in God when an "enlightened" society "knows" he is a myth. My answer is actually quite simple, I followed someone else and ended up in the darkness, it was painful and sad. God used other people to shine a light on me until I had enough faith to store up my own light. I know that God knows who I am and that He loves me. Now I shine my light for others who have lost their way. And while my light is my testimony and my beliefs it is actually a reflection of the Light from that God who saved me.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Count your many blessings
This week has continued the eye-opening experiences. I complain too much :p I am so blessed. I wanted to share some of the things that happened this week. I was lamenting to a friend that it is expensive to live here. Complaining that I have to share a room with my daughter because I can't afford my own place. As I was leaving her house to go back to mine, the street that I usually turn onto to go home had a red light and I didn't feel like waiting. I went down a different road instead. As I was travelling down that road I passed by the St Vincent de Paul building. I looked over at the doorway, and huddled in sleeping bags I saw about half a dozen people. The only thing between them and the hard ground, between them and the night air, was a single sleeping bag. I was going home, to a soft bed, warm blankets, a working heater. I was complaining about having to share a room, these six people were sharing a doorway. On my continuing way to humble gratitude-ville, I passed by "complaining about being single" land. I was lamenting (again) to my friend that I have been single for 4 and 1/2 years. I was complaining that I have been doing all in my power, following every prompting and I wasn't having any luck. I knew it was up to God but sheesh, wasn't I doing enough, where was God and why wasn't his part being done? Well I came across this blog, (Gay) Mormon Guy . Ok, here is a man who has same gender attraction and is LDS. Wow!! Working towards eternal marriage, doing all that he can do, but with a completely different attitude than mine. Needless to say, I had to take another step off my "woe is me" ladder. As I thought about the reasons that I want to marry I realized that one was a moot point. I want my daughter to have a good strong priesthood holder in her life. Last Sunday a dear friend of ours, Will, came to town for a baptism. He sat beside my daughter, he had his arm around her as we were singing a song titled, "Count your many blessings". Part of the song says, "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by. Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God hath done." I looked at my daughter, seated by Will, and realized that she is very blessed. She has her grandfather and her uncle who live here in town that are good men. She has other uncles that live out of town but that love her and look after her. I have many male friends who are wonderful examples to her. Sure she doesn't have a dad at this point, but she has many fine father figures in her life. Taking a little time to count the blessings in my life, the things I complain about seem trivial. I saw a man walking down the street, dressed in layers. He is a homeless man and all the clothes he has, he wears. I have clothes in buckets because my dresser is filled to bursting with clothes I don't even wear. I have enough shoes to wear a different pair each day for three weeks without repeating a pair. I have two boxes of blankets in my garage for when I feel like changing up my room a bit. In this crazy economy I have a job that pays me enough to get my hair and nails done every once in a while. The Lord has blessed me greatly, sure there are things I still want, that He has promised me, but that will be in His time, not mine.
So, count (my) many blessings:
1 My Parents - who taught me and continue to support me
2 My siblings - we laugh, we fight, we love
3 My daughter - my sunshine, my reminder of who I am as I try to teach her who she is
4 My in-laws - grateful that my siblings married wonderful people, who I love beyond words
5 My Nieces and Nephews - being an aunt is almost a great as being mom - especially grateful for the safe arrival of little baby TF 3/14/11 at 9 AM
6 My little family - who blessed me as a young woman by adopting my precious angel Reagan
7 My friends - always supporting me, even when I am being silly
8 My boss - Best boss ever!!!
9 My co-workers - who technically are listed twice because they are my friends as well
10 My roommate - who is also my friend :)
11 My missionaries - those that invite me to go with them to teach lessons, those that chat with me online, those that I love that are serving in other places
12 My job - in this economy I would be crazy not to be grateful for a job that is full time with benefits
13 My car - sure gas is expensive, but it gets me where I need to be
14 My house - warm, roomy, no upstairs neighbors :)
15 My fridge - full of food, what else do you need?
16 My clothes - keep me covered, warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot
17 My shoes - :D love LOVE love shoes
18 My city - close to everything, but not too close
19 My technology - really, I love being able to connect with people via text, my ipod keeps me sane doing data entry, and all the other electronic things that not everyone can afford
20 My talents - cooking, music, photography, crafts
21 My health - saves a lot of $ and time being healthy
22 Music - music to dance to, music to sing along with, music to make me laugh, music to make me cry, music to make me feel loved, music to soothe my soul
23 Sunshine - vitamin D
24 Rain - perfect for twirling
25 Flowers - beauty for the eye and the nose
26 Chocolate - :D
27 My allegies - I know it sounds a little silly to be grateful for those, but considering I have friends and family that are allergic to foods and animals, I will take a plant that only blooms for a few weeks a year
28 The Gospel
29 Temples
30 The Holy Ghost - guidance, comfort and protection
31 Jesus Christ - my brother, my friend, my Savior
32 My Heavenly Father - who gives me all these things and more
So, count (my) many blessings:
1 My Parents - who taught me and continue to support me
2 My siblings - we laugh, we fight, we love
3 My daughter - my sunshine, my reminder of who I am as I try to teach her who she is
4 My in-laws - grateful that my siblings married wonderful people, who I love beyond words
5 My Nieces and Nephews - being an aunt is almost a great as being mom - especially grateful for the safe arrival of little baby TF 3/14/11 at 9 AM
6 My little family - who blessed me as a young woman by adopting my precious angel Reagan
7 My friends - always supporting me, even when I am being silly
8 My boss - Best boss ever!!!
9 My co-workers - who technically are listed twice because they are my friends as well
10 My roommate - who is also my friend :)
11 My missionaries - those that invite me to go with them to teach lessons, those that chat with me online, those that I love that are serving in other places
12 My job - in this economy I would be crazy not to be grateful for a job that is full time with benefits
13 My car - sure gas is expensive, but it gets me where I need to be
14 My house - warm, roomy, no upstairs neighbors :)
15 My fridge - full of food, what else do you need?
16 My clothes - keep me covered, warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot
17 My shoes - :D love LOVE love shoes
18 My city - close to everything, but not too close
19 My technology - really, I love being able to connect with people via text, my ipod keeps me sane doing data entry, and all the other electronic things that not everyone can afford
20 My talents - cooking, music, photography, crafts
21 My health - saves a lot of $ and time being healthy
22 Music - music to dance to, music to sing along with, music to make me laugh, music to make me cry, music to make me feel loved, music to soothe my soul
23 Sunshine - vitamin D
24 Rain - perfect for twirling
25 Flowers - beauty for the eye and the nose
26 Chocolate - :D
27 My allegies - I know it sounds a little silly to be grateful for those, but considering I have friends and family that are allergic to foods and animals, I will take a plant that only blooms for a few weeks a year
28 The Gospel
29 Temples
30 The Holy Ghost - guidance, comfort and protection
31 Jesus Christ - my brother, my friend, my Savior
32 My Heavenly Father - who gives me all these things and more
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tender Mercies
Those of you that have been reading previous posts know that this year has been a struggle for me. I have felt like God was not caring about me or what my trials were. Yesterday I took the day off of work and served lunch at the Missionary Zone Conference that was held in Santa Rosa. I cooked up two pans of pasta and rushed over to the church. As I was helping set things up groups of missionaries would walk by and say hi and thanks. Every now and again a missionary that I know but haven't seen in a while would walk past, the reaction was always the same. They would look into the gym and then their face would light up as they recognized me and they would wave. As they started coming in for lunch I got hugs (the sisters) and handshakes (the elders) from missionaries that I have worked with in past months. President Bunker introduced Lisa and asked her to introduce the rest of us. I was at the end of the line. When she got to me and said my name I saw lights go on in several faces as they recognized my name as someone who is friends with them on Facebook, or who follows their blogs. The love I felt from those I know, and the sincere gratitude from those I don't know was overwhelming. I felt like I belonged there.
I was thinking about how I used to go to institute in the middle of the week and how that gave me a spiritual boost to get through my work week. I work in a very liberal welfare program, and being a conservative christian is not easy in that kind of environment. My work schedule has changed and I am no longer able to go. As I was surrounded by missionaries, talking to them about their blogs, I realized that what I have now is better than institute. I get to read missionary blogs almost every day! I get to chat with them on a regular basis. When I am feeling at the end of my rope I can always read a blog by Elder Abbott, Elder Spendlove can always make me smile and yet ponder deep concepts too, when I feel like no one else is going through what I am going through Elder LeeMaster proves me wrong with his Testimony Tuesday, Elder Albright reminds me who is for me and who is against me, Elder Menasco has such a simple yet profound way of stating things, Elder Manciati helps me in my desires to share what I have with those around me. There are many more that I love to read, instead of a once a week spiritual lift, I get an almost daily dose of reminders. Every weekday through faithful missionaries the Lord reminds me that I am His child and that He knows my wants and needs and the trials I am going through. Sometimes He has to whack me over the head, especially when I get too deep into my "poor me" mode. Elder Polson asked me if I could go with him and Elder Manciati to visit an investigator that night. The first house we went to the person wasn't there so I followed them to another house (following Elders is an entertaining activity, possibly even an extreme sport). The lady we spoke with there was so sweet. As we talked I told her about extremely personal experiences and realized that she had gone through very similar trials. I realized that the Lord loves each of his children and by having me go through the trials I went through, He created in me a heart that would be able to connect to her heart. I am grateful for the things I went through because I can honestly tell her that the Lord will take care of it all if we trust him. Satan had been trying to get me to doubt the promises I have received from the Lord, and I must confess he was having a fairly decent amount of success in that endeavor. As I was bearing testimony to this sweet sister about the trials I had gone through, about God's promises that He fulfilled, I told her "I don't have any doubt that the Lord will fulfill all His promises, even if He has to say 'not now' at that moment. At some point the answer will be yes." As I said that the Spirit kind of, slightly, like a lot, whacked me upside the head with a spiritual 2x4. He testified to my heart and soul that what I had just spoken was truth, that I really felt that way even with Satan trying to convince me that I felt otherwise. I do not doubt my God, He has proven faithful in everything else.
Surrounded by the love and affection of the missionaries, folded in their loving arms, I felt the arms of my Savior around me. As they sang with deep gratitude "As I have loved you" I felt their love, and the Lord's love for me. "As I have loved you (for I truly, deeply love you) love one another"
I was thinking about how I used to go to institute in the middle of the week and how that gave me a spiritual boost to get through my work week. I work in a very liberal welfare program, and being a conservative christian is not easy in that kind of environment. My work schedule has changed and I am no longer able to go. As I was surrounded by missionaries, talking to them about their blogs, I realized that what I have now is better than institute. I get to read missionary blogs almost every day! I get to chat with them on a regular basis. When I am feeling at the end of my rope I can always read a blog by Elder Abbott, Elder Spendlove can always make me smile and yet ponder deep concepts too, when I feel like no one else is going through what I am going through Elder LeeMaster proves me wrong with his Testimony Tuesday, Elder Albright reminds me who is for me and who is against me, Elder Menasco has such a simple yet profound way of stating things, Elder Manciati helps me in my desires to share what I have with those around me. There are many more that I love to read, instead of a once a week spiritual lift, I get an almost daily dose of reminders. Every weekday through faithful missionaries the Lord reminds me that I am His child and that He knows my wants and needs and the trials I am going through. Sometimes He has to whack me over the head, especially when I get too deep into my "poor me" mode. Elder Polson asked me if I could go with him and Elder Manciati to visit an investigator that night. The first house we went to the person wasn't there so I followed them to another house (following Elders is an entertaining activity, possibly even an extreme sport). The lady we spoke with there was so sweet. As we talked I told her about extremely personal experiences and realized that she had gone through very similar trials. I realized that the Lord loves each of his children and by having me go through the trials I went through, He created in me a heart that would be able to connect to her heart. I am grateful for the things I went through because I can honestly tell her that the Lord will take care of it all if we trust him. Satan had been trying to get me to doubt the promises I have received from the Lord, and I must confess he was having a fairly decent amount of success in that endeavor. As I was bearing testimony to this sweet sister about the trials I had gone through, about God's promises that He fulfilled, I told her "I don't have any doubt that the Lord will fulfill all His promises, even if He has to say 'not now' at that moment. At some point the answer will be yes." As I said that the Spirit kind of, slightly, like a lot, whacked me upside the head with a spiritual 2x4. He testified to my heart and soul that what I had just spoken was truth, that I really felt that way even with Satan trying to convince me that I felt otherwise. I do not doubt my God, He has proven faithful in everything else.
Surrounded by the love and affection of the missionaries, folded in their loving arms, I felt the arms of my Savior around me. As they sang with deep gratitude "As I have loved you" I felt their love, and the Lord's love for me. "As I have loved you (for I truly, deeply love you) love one another"
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sacrifice
We talked about Sacrifice in church on Sunday. The manual started out with this statement "Sacrifice means giving to the Lord whatever He requires of our time, our earthly possessions, and our energies to further His work. The Lord commanded, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). Our willingness to sacrifice is an indication of our devotion to God. People have always been tried and tested to see if they will put the things of God first in their lives." We talked of the things that people have sacrificed for what they believe: family, friends, habits, time, money, health and even life. We talked about the greatest sacrifice,
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
It got me thinking about the things I have given up to follow the Lord. I found it very interesting the timing of the lesson. This Friday is a very special day for me. Almost 12 years ago I found myself, a starving college student without a job, pregnant. The father first talked of marriage until I found out that he was already married. The future looked very bleak. I had no job, hadn't finished school, and had told the father in no uncertain terms to stay away from me. Abortion was never an option for me. As the due date got closer I went back and forth between the options of keeping the child and placing her for adoption. Some days I felt strong and confident, others I wasn't so sure, but in the quiet nights I realized that I did not have the things a child needed. With the help of a counselor and a mentor from LDS Family Services I started looking at potential adoptive families. After much prayer and counsel I found a family that I felt very good about. I decided to meet them and after a two hour meeting I knew that they were the parents of my unborn child. I can still remember the first thing we said to them. As Mari entered the room the first thing we noticed was her crazy curly hair. My mom said, I know this is supposed to be Kiersten's interview, but I have to ask, is your hair naturally that way or do you perm it? With a tired smile Mari replied, it's natural. Little Chenoa Centauri/Reagan Elizabeth was born February 25, 2000 via emergency c-section. She had been wrapped in her umbilical cord and after 20 hours of labor her little body couldn't handle the pressure anymore and she went into distress. As a result we both had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. During that time I got to be her mom, it was hard even with all the hospital staff helping and I knew I was doing the right thing. One thing that really stood out to us was her hair, yup you guessed it, crazy curly, just like Mari's. I had one more qualification for Mike and Mari before they could have my daughter for all time. She was born with two toes fused together, not a huge deal but a birth defect none the less. I told my counselor that he was to let them know, have them look at her and if they made a face I would take her back then and there! Well, the first thing out of their mouths when they saw deformity, after the tears of course, was "Oh my gosh, that runs in Mari's family. Her brother has it and so do all his children." (They sent me pictures of the family feet) We kept in contact for a little while, I am the one that stopped writing, and everything kept pointing to the fact that I made the right choice.
Knowing it was the right thing to do has not made it easier. There are times, especially in February, that I wonder what she is doing, wonder what she looks like now, wonder if she gets as exasperated with her hair as her mother did. They told me they would tell her about me, I sometimes wonder if they have yet, what she thinks of me, if she realizes how much I love her.
Sacrifice is a gift of love to our Heavenly Father, it is hard but eventually we will see the Grace of God as we sacrifice our will to His.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
It got me thinking about the things I have given up to follow the Lord. I found it very interesting the timing of the lesson. This Friday is a very special day for me. Almost 12 years ago I found myself, a starving college student without a job, pregnant. The father first talked of marriage until I found out that he was already married. The future looked very bleak. I had no job, hadn't finished school, and had told the father in no uncertain terms to stay away from me. Abortion was never an option for me. As the due date got closer I went back and forth between the options of keeping the child and placing her for adoption. Some days I felt strong and confident, others I wasn't so sure, but in the quiet nights I realized that I did not have the things a child needed. With the help of a counselor and a mentor from LDS Family Services I started looking at potential adoptive families. After much prayer and counsel I found a family that I felt very good about. I decided to meet them and after a two hour meeting I knew that they were the parents of my unborn child. I can still remember the first thing we said to them. As Mari entered the room the first thing we noticed was her crazy curly hair. My mom said, I know this is supposed to be Kiersten's interview, but I have to ask, is your hair naturally that way or do you perm it? With a tired smile Mari replied, it's natural. Little Chenoa Centauri/Reagan Elizabeth was born February 25, 2000 via emergency c-section. She had been wrapped in her umbilical cord and after 20 hours of labor her little body couldn't handle the pressure anymore and she went into distress. As a result we both had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. During that time I got to be her mom, it was hard even with all the hospital staff helping and I knew I was doing the right thing. One thing that really stood out to us was her hair, yup you guessed it, crazy curly, just like Mari's. I had one more qualification for Mike and Mari before they could have my daughter for all time. She was born with two toes fused together, not a huge deal but a birth defect none the less. I told my counselor that he was to let them know, have them look at her and if they made a face I would take her back then and there! Well, the first thing out of their mouths when they saw deformity, after the tears of course, was "Oh my gosh, that runs in Mari's family. Her brother has it and so do all his children." (They sent me pictures of the family feet) We kept in contact for a little while, I am the one that stopped writing, and everything kept pointing to the fact that I made the right choice.
Knowing it was the right thing to do has not made it easier. There are times, especially in February, that I wonder what she is doing, wonder what she looks like now, wonder if she gets as exasperated with her hair as her mother did. They told me they would tell her about me, I sometimes wonder if they have yet, what she thinks of me, if she realizes how much I love her.
Sacrifice is a gift of love to our Heavenly Father, it is hard but eventually we will see the Grace of God as we sacrifice our will to His.
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